Thoughts on the Lake (open)

[aidenchristian]

He adjusted the collar of his dark black coat to block out the bitter wind as he sat alone. There, curled up on the edge of the frozen lake sat Aiden. The cold air ruffled his already messed up hair. His face was pale both from lack of sleep and from the February climes. But he wasn’t complaining. The frosty atmosphere cleared his mind; cleared it of the loneliness he felt at this school, the hurt of his mother’s passing, the longing to be done with school, the clouds that seem to always be ruthlessly holding back the sun’s warmth, and above all else his father. Well, usually cleared it.

Aiden’s green eyes were lackluster as he absorbed himself in thought. His mind betrayed him with images of the tall black façade of his England home, the large marble entrance way with the dim chandelier that used to shine so bright. His mind walked him to the den, the only light in the room from being the single log burning perpetually in the oversized white marble fireplace, covered in sooty deposits from lack of care. Only one other thing stood in that room, an old chair perched in front of the fireplace, back to the den door. “I’m surprised you can show your face here without remorse” He heard a hoarse voice say as he entered the room further. A tall, thin man, prematurely aged, slowly rose to his feet. His graying blond hair pronounced against his fine black coat emblazoned with the glowing sliver Christian family crest.

“I’ll be leaving soon,” Aiden near whispered as he lowered his head both from the sight of his father and the fear of the repercussions if he didn’t show some respect. “Christmas Holiday is nearly over…I …I just need to pack up my things and…” Aiden’s father raised his hand and flicked it as if to motion for someone to move to the side. Two large trunks slammed down next to Aidens feet nearly hitting him.

“I took the liberty of having you things packed,” Aiden’s father said coldly. “I want you to get back to your education, to learn something,” His fathers voice started to fill with anger “That way, the next time someone close to you is in trouble, you might actually be able to help them!” Aiden’s father turned his back to his son and lowered himself back in his chair. Aiden grabbed his trunks and headed for the door. He started to close the door when from the den he heard, “Who am I kidding.”

Aiden tried to blink the memory away, returned to the icy February scene. His eyes burned as they filled with tears. He blinked once more sending the tears journeying down his cheeks, stinging his face with their iciness. He quickly wiped them away, took in a deep breath and looked towards the sky. “I’m sorry,” he whispered knowing it wouldn’t be heard. He looked at the school and then back at the water. No longer did he have the will to go back. He perched head on his knees, partially hoping to be forgotten forever. But only partially.

[Caitlin Collins]

Caitlin left the castle at a casual pace, glad to be out in the fresh air again. It seemed like ages since she had last wandered the school grounds, but then she had been a lot more carefree. The last time she had done such a thing, she had known she was a Shadow Warrior. Had known about the war. But it still seemed surreal, like it wasn’t really happening; wasn’t real. It hadn’t seemed serious enough to put too much effort into worrying about it. But Mallan’s death and D’rorah’s near-corruption had changed all of that. Now she was aware of how dangerous, how severe this battle truly was, it was difficult to remain carefree for any great length of time. So, despite still having a couple of pieces of work that needed doing, she had taken advantage of the non-rain to head outside. Just a walk around the lake, to try and settle her thoughts.

As she placed one foot in front of the other, Caity slowly came to realise she was taking the exact same path that Mallan had taken her after that Charms lesson. All personal feelings aside – which wasn’t an easy task for her, since she didn’t have great control over what emotions she displayed – she really didn’t know what she was going to do about an Elemental Master. According to Susan, she did need one for when she was fighting shadows, to contain her emotions or something similar. Gat was out of the question, even if he was still at Hogwarts which she doubted. But having bonded with Mallan and seeing what came of that, she was reluctant to bond with anyone else. She had an idea in her head that kept nagging constantly, that said perhaps it was being bonded with both her and Dee that had driven the Gryffindor to suicide. And there was no way she was going to risk Dylan, or Alessandro, or even Zee, on the chance that it might lead to the same conclusion.

Letting out a deep sigh, Caitlin rose her head so she was no longer staring at her feet too look around the near area. It was mostly empty, apart from one figure sitting next to the lake who looked possibly familiar. Seizing the opportunity to get out of her depressing mindset, she approached him slowly. It was only when she was a few metres away that she realised who the figure was – Aiden. She hardly knew him, and it had been months since she’d last seen him, up in the owlery with Wysteria. Another lightfighter who was now dead. Almost immediately after recognising him, she noticed a weariness blanketing his whole body that reminded her of herself the last month or so, trying to recover from the grief. Taking another step she saw the tears and became concerned, but hesitated slightly before speaking. What if he just wanted to be left alone? What if he didn’t want anyone seeing he was crying? But then she remembered the support Dylan had given her when she opened the letter, and how grateful she had been afterwards. Surely there was no harm in trying.

“Aiden?” She took a couple steps forward and crouched down so she was level with him on the floor. “Are –“ ’Are you okay?’ Well obviously he’s not. Ask something a little more tactful, Cait. “What’s the matter?”

[aidenchristian]

Aiden sat quietly letting the tears run down his face, lacking the strength to remove them. After a moment he closed his eyes. ‘Look at what you have become. You were strong, you are strong. Don’t let your father do this to you,’ he told himself in his head. ‘It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have stopped them.’ His mind instantly flashed to that night. The decorated ceiling opening up, the men in black robes surrounding them, the smoke and the flashes of green, and him, just lying there helpless. Aiden furrowed his brow to stop more tears from coming. ‘Your mother would forgive you, forgive your self… forgive yourself.’

The ground crunched a few feet behind Aiden and he quickly wiped his eyes. A chill shot through his body, greater than any one he had gotten from the cold. He pulled his arms in tight to him, the cold, with out his thoughts to block it out, had free reign to attack him now. Thoughts ran through his head as to who it might be. He hoped that it was a student, just coming out to see the lake, in all its frozen glory. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone to feel anything but pain, he hoped that who ever it was would just go away and leave him…

’alone… ‘

he thought of what that meant. Wasn’t that the reason he was out here, crying? Wasn’t that the terrible feeling he had had when his father dismissed him before he left? ‘No,’ he told himself. ‘I won’t be left alone.’ He started to turn to see who it was when he heard “Aiden?”. He turned now to see Caitlin Collins, a girl he met some time ago in the Owlery, crouching down beside him.

“Are-What’s the matter?”

‘The matter? If only we had the time.’
He looked into Caitlin’s eyes, eyes with genuine care, something he hadn’t felt in what seem like ages. He wanted to just blurt everything out, get it all off his chest, but he knew that would probably send Caitlin, the first person in months to ask him how he was, running without looking back. He smiled slightly, but honestly, and said, “Nothing… well nothing new anyway. Just my father,” he said with a sigh. “We just had a falling out before I left” ‘…And every moment of my life’[/color][/i] he continued in his head. He repressed the memories of his father and looked towards the lake again. After a moment he looked at Caitlin with furrowed brow.

“Wait, are you ok?” he asked with a questioning look. “It’s a pretty cold day for a recreational walk by the lake.”

[Caitlin Collins]

Caitlin was concerned to see the tear streaks on the older boy’s cheeks, reminding her once more of what she had been like since the New Year. He turned to face her and she saw his haunted expression. Once again, just like she had been. It struck a chord inside of her and she made a resolution to try and help him somewhat towards feeling better, even if she did barely know him.

He seemed to want to tell her, when she asked what the matter was. But if he was anything like her, then she doubted he would. Her slightly distorted logic was that if no one saw or found out about what was upsetting you, it would just go away. It had worked for the majority of her life – just hiding away what she was feeling, pushing anger or hurt away to a place deep inside of her that was near impossible to breach. Try to ignore it, try to forget about it. Unfortunately, that meant it was still there and was like to explode at one point or other if pushed too far – which was exactly what had happened recently. Well, first it had been an explosion, but now it was just regular implosions of emotion. She was trying to apply her old technique and pushing it away. It sometimes worked, but not as much as it used to. There was still the occasional breakdown. She knew it wasn’t healthy to ignore such strong feelings, but it was the easiest way to deal, at least for her.

“Nothing… well nothing new anyway. Just my father. We just had a falling out before I left.”

She nodded sympathetically, understanding all too well how frustrating parents could be. The relation with her own, especially her mum, had been strained particularly far when they took her out of Hogwarts. She’d never argued so much with either of them before.

“I’m sorry,” she replied sincerely as he looked away, moving so that she was now sitting cross-legged beside him rather than crouching, which had been making her legs ache a little.

“Wait, are you ok? It’s a pretty cold day for a recreational walk by the lake.”

“Yeah yeah, don’t worry about me,” she reassured him, ignoring the irony. She was trying to get him to share what was on his mind so that she could attempt to comfort him partly, while refusing to share what she herself was feeling. “I just... wanted some fresh air. Clear my head, y’know?”

[aidenchristian]

Aiden laughed slightly at the irony. Two people, both wanting to clear their heads, happen to find each other on what seemed to be one of the coldest days in February, at a lake. Aiden took a deep breath to compose himself. He could still feel that his voice was shaky, and was embarrassed enough being seen in the state he was in.

He looked, out of the corner of his eye at Caitlin, now cross-legged beside him. ‘Can I trust her?’ he asked himself. He knew he needed to get it off his chest for his well being. He needed to talk about it, to come to terms with it but was she the right person to do it with. He took another deep breath and looked out over the lake again. “My father and I haven’t ever been on good terms,” He said without thinking. There was no going back now and he could just imagine Caitlin running from this whack spilling, uncontrollably, his life story. “And,” he continued, “It hasn’t gotten any better since…” ‘This is your last chance to stop.’ “Since my mom died.”

Aiden felt a lump form in his throat. He swallowed hard and looked at Caitlin with fear and sadness in his eyes. Slowly he blinked and looked down. “I watched her… I saw…” the lump got larger still and he took another deep breath. He wasn’t ready to talk about her like that…no longer living. Aiden grabbed his bag, reached in and slowly pulled out at book. The leather bound book was adorned with a purple and gold flower, which shimmered magnificently even in the overcastted light of the day. Holding the book shut was a small band of leather attached to a lock, lacking a whole for a key, shimmering as brightly as the flower had.

Aiden ran his hand slowly over the front of the book and looked again at Caitlin. “It was my mother’s,” He told her with a weak smile. “It was her diary and spell book. She wrote all her thoughts in here.” He touched the lock and whispered, “Ma prix n’est pas trouvée dans ma couronne.” As he did a small flower carved itself into the shimmering gold lock, and with a click the leather band slipped from the lock. “That was her favorite saying, ’My value isn’t found in my crown’.” He smiled slightly and opened the book to the first page. There was a yellowing, moving photograph of a beautiful, fair-skinned woman. Her long brown hair was gently pulled back revealing her bright green eyes, the only color in the photo. His eyes filled with tears again and he gently stroked the picture with his finger. Again he turned to Caitlin. “She died almost a year ago.”

[Caitlin Collins]

Caity watched and waited silently for him to say something more, not saying anything when he laughed quietly then took a deep breath. She didn’t want to interrupt whatever was going through his head right now, so left him to it. She hoped that he would eventually tell her the whole story of what was on his mind, if only because she knew how harmful it could be to keep it all locked away inside. As he looked out over the lake, he spoke again, elaborating.

“My father and I haven’t ever been on good terms. And it hasn’t gotten any better since…” [/color] He seemed to be deliberating whether to continue and finish his sentence, but eventually made the decision and voiced aloud whatever was on his mind. “Since my mom died.”

“Oh…” Caitlin couldn’t stop the slight sound of surprise and sadness from escaping her lips. No wonder he was so miserable. He really was grieving, just like her. She may not get along with her parents particularly well at the moment, but she couldn’t imagine life without them.

“I watched her… I saw…” His voice seemed to be breaking and he stopped, instead reaching for the bag beside him. He pulled out a leather book and was quiet temporarily before explaining its significance.

It was strikingly similar to her own situation right now, Caity realised in surprise. Mallan… she had a leather bound book left by him to her, filled with letters he had been unable to send while in China. It was horrible to think that so many people were in much the same situation, being forced through all those grisly emotions that came with losing a loved one. This world is so messed up…

“I… My boyfriend died recently. He left me a book, leather like that one, with letters to me,” she admitted softly, not even sure why she was telling him this and not meeting his eyes as she spoke. She directed her gaze in a similar direction as his; across the lake. The water, that should help keep her calm, make sure she didn't lose hold of her emotions while in front of this near-stranger. He didn’t need to know about her problems. But maybe it would let him see that she at least partly understood what he was going through. Maybe it was because she subconsciously knew that she couldn’t keep hiding it away. But whatever the reason, it was a bit late to take it back now.

“She died almost a year ago.

Seeing him become tearful again, she reached out a hand tentatively and rested it gently on his shoulder in what she hoped was a comforting manner. “I’m sorry. I really am, I just wish…” Wish what? That I could do something? I can’t do anything, she’s already dead, and it all comes back to the hopeless wishing. What’s the point in wishing for something that could never in a million years come true?[/color] With a sigh her expression fell again, along with her face to examine the grass around her feet. She'd always been terrible at this; comforting people, dealing with strong emotions full stop.

[aidenchristian]

Aiden closed the book slowly and shut his eyes again to stop himself from crying. He lowered his head slightly to hide his face. He was hurting enough from the pain of losing his mother, his loneliness at Hogwarts and the near disownment by his father, he didn’t need the embarrassment of have a stranger watch him cry on top of it. He was usually so strong, repressing his feelings until the appropriate time to let them out. He was the strong one in the pack, the one to carry the other fallen on his back to safety, and yet now, he couldn’t hold his emotions long enough to have a conversation with the first person to genuinely care about how he felt in months. Aiden took a long deep breath and lifted his head.

He felt a hand on his shoulders which startled him at first but quickly led to comfort. He heard Caitlin voice. “I’m sorry… I just wish—“ She stopped obviously unsure of what she could have wished for to make things turn out in the end. Aiden breathed slowly, still trying to calm himself. A small breeze blew and on it, for the first time, he notice the rich scent of pine from the forest. He breathed deeper, and with his eyes still closed, he could sense the air around him warming, a small break in the clouds lending for a beam of light to hit the two troubled teens. Aiden warmed his face in the sun a moment before saying,

“Thank you… For being here.” He lifted his hand and laid it on Caitlin’s. With that a flash of white light shot through his mind, he saw a book, a bed, Caitlin crying. The words “We regret to inform you” and “Mallan” shot across the back of his mind. Aiden’s eyes shot open and he couldn’t stop from gasping.

Quickly he gave a small cough, and then a larger one hoping to cover up his gasp. He turned his head away slightly from Caitlin and tried to process what he saw. ‘We regret to inform you…,’[/color] he thought ‘Mallan must have been her…’

Aiden lifted his eyebrows slightly, saying, “I’m so sorry to hear about Ma—your boyfriend.” He looked back at Caitlin. “I’m sure he was a good man.”

He quickly wished he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t know if this Mallan was good or not. He must have been from the way Caitlin morns for him, and the way she had looked, in his vision, crying. But even still, the regret was setting in. He hoped he hadn’t caused a blow to the near-stranger beside him who, unlike even his own father, took the time to comfort him. He looked down to the ground, “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” ‘Just stop while you’re ahead, Aiden’[/color]

[Caitlin Collins]

Caitlin looked up at him again, and watched sadly as he lowered his head to glare at the ground, much as she had done a minute ago. He seemed so alike to her – mourning, depressed, not sure how to handle it. Unfortunately she couldn’t really offer him any tips as far as that was concerned, because she wasn’t handling t very well herself, but at least she could attempt to provide some comfort – which was something her parents hadn’t realised she was in need of. They were too angry that she’d kept the whole Shadow War a secret from them to enquire further as to whether she had known Mallan. They didn’t even know she had been friends with him, let alone that the pair of them had been going out for a good few weeks. Good being the prominent word.

That short time had been fantastic, idealistic in every way. Not only was Mallan there, but she was doing well in most of her lessons, nothing massively bad had changed because of her being a Shadow Warrior. Then it all shattered into fragments, along with a large chunk of her innocence and optimism. Sure, she might be more determined to train as a “proper” lightfighter, but if she could go back to that time before Mallan left, she would do anything for it. After he went, everything went downhill.

When she placed a hand on his shoulder he at first seemed surprised, but made no move to shake it off. Above them, the clouds broke apart for a short time, allowing the sun to shine through and warm them; protect them from the chill of the February breeze. Before, she might have liked it – seen it as a sign of change coming, positive change. Now she simply saw it for what it was – a momentary lightening of the weather that would soon disappear again to leave them in darkness. It was a depressing prediction of what might come in the future and she didn’t think too deeply on it, instead focussing on Aiden.

“Thank you… For being here.”

As he placed his hand on top of hers, she turned her own around so she was holding his gently, giving him a small smile that didn’t really reach deadened and tired eyes. Just because she needed sleep, it didn’t mean she would make effort to get any. On the contrary, she would do the opposite, purposely doing anything to keep awake until she reached the point of exhaustion, when she would catch a few hours. The nightmares, which she’d hoped would fade, were not getting any better. And she didn’t want to tell anyone, because the idea of nightmares... it was just so childish. Little kids couldn’t sleep because of bad dreams, not teenagers in their second last year of school. Surely she should have grown out of that by now?

“It’s fine, I’m glad – Aiden? Are you okay?”

She had seen him gasp despite his covering-up coughs straight after, and frowned at him, a little confused. What was the matter? She hadn’t noticed anything that might make him gasp in surprise, and glanced around quickly to search for that something before turning back to him.

“I’m so sorry to hear about Ma—your boyfriend. I’m sure he was a good man.”

Now Caity was even more confused. He had started saying Mallan’s name, she was sure of it, even though she hadn’t mentioned it. Had he known the Gryffindor? Then why had he stopped himself saying the name partway through? And then act like he had never met him? And how could he have known that she was going out with him, surely it wasn’t that common knowledge. Why would anyone be interested in the new Hufflepuff and new Gryffindor?

“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” she reassured him, but couldn’t help but add on her thoughts. How else could he have known the name? “But... you knew Mallan?” she inquired, genuinely interested. The others who she was sure knew Mallan were mostly lightfighters, who knew him as an Elemental Master and not really as a person. If Aiden did know the ex-Gryffindor, it might be nice to talk to someone who actually understood what his death meant; what was lost personally, rather than simply collateral damage. She hadn’t heard anyone refer to him as that, yet, but how she hated that term anyway. Collateral damage? How could a person’s life disappearing into oblivion be classed as justifiable for the greater good? Because all too often, whether in the muggle films or newspapers, that phrase was used in such a way, to the extent that she had simply stopped reading the paper or watching war films. It just made her annoyed and angry that people thought they could justify a person’s life being lost, whether intentional or not.

[aidenchristian]

“Hey, It’s ok.”

Aiden sighed a small sigh of relief, his near fatal error had gone unnoticed. He wasn’t sure of how Caitlin would have reacted to his abilities, abilities that in the past had proven more of a nuisance than a gift. He had spent years trying to suppress the abilities of his mind, to cloud it with constant thought, hoping that he would lose his affinity for the unseen connection between people. He hadn’t had a vision in so long, it was as much a surprise to him as it would have been had he said to Caitlin that he knew, that he saw her in the state she was in. Aiden knew, though, what had set off the vision. ‘You must learn to control your emotions,’[/color] He told himself. ‘You don’t want what happened before to happen agai…’[/color]

His thoughts were interrupted with the sound of Caitlin’s inquiring voice. “But… You knew Mallan?”

With that Aiden’s heart dropped. She had heard him. His skin began to sweat, the coldest sweat he had ever experienced. ‘You can’t lie to her, not after she took time out of whatever she was doing to comfort you.’ [/color]Aiden’s mind flew into thought, excuses buzzing about his head like bee’s around a disturbed hive. Aiden took a deep breath, and almost as violently as his mind had flown into gear, he had stopped it. He turned to Caitlin.

“Mallan? Was… was that his name?”[/color] he asked cautiously. ‘Well, you don’t actually know for sure. You just assumed,'[/color] he assured himself. “I think I have heard of him, but I didn’t know actually know him.”[/color] He hated having to bed the truth like that, especially to someone like Caitlin, but he knew he couldn’t let his “ability” be known. People would treat him differently. If it wasn’t wanting their fortunes to be told then it would be everyone learning Occlumency just to block him out. He wasn’t going to be thought of as a freak, like… like his father saw him.

Aiden could feel the pain radiating off of Caitlin. He wished so much that he could help his new friend, but how could he help someone else if he was helpless himself? He softened his near stair at Caitlin and asked, “What was he like?”[/color]

[Caitlin Collins]

As soon as she spoke, Caitlin noticed him looking nervous. What was the matter with him? Something very strange was going on, but she didn’t have a clue what it was. Aiden was definitely hiding something, and it apparently was to do with Mallan. Anything else she might have just let go, but with that subject matter she was more than a little determined.

“Mallan? Was… was that his name? I think I have heard of him, but I didn’t know actually know him.”

“But… you were about to say his name,” she accused, the confusion plain on her face alongside the resolve to work out what his slip-up had been about. The hesitation in his speech convinced her all the more that he was hiding something, and it had been to do with Mallan. She still didn’t know why he’d killed himself, apart from the possible factor of stress, and any possible sources of information would have to be investigated, as far as she was concerned.

But why was he hiding something? Was he a new lightfighter, who had been told of the previous Elemental Master of Wind’s fate? But then surely he would know that she was also a lightfighter, if he knew that Mallan was – had been – her boyfriend. So what else? A spy, for the Mage? Trying to hide her wariness as she looked at him, and not altogether succeeding, she realised that the same would apply. But then he would still want to hide his knowledge from her. She was reluctant to believe that this boy she had been able to relate to so well was fighting for the wrong side, but knew it was possible. Others, like Gat and Mordred, had been revealed as spies but surely there would be more than just those two. If he was a spy then she would have to be careful around him – in fact, she had just revealed a very obvious weakness which she probably shouldn’t have – but maybe she could do for him what so far she had been unable to do for Gat; bring him over to the right side, stop him doing things he would surely regret.

“What was he like?”

Caitlin let out a quiet sigh and looked away from him, but now on her guard and continuing to sneak glances at him from time to time out of the corner of her eye.

“He was an artist,” she said slowly, not feeling like revealing masses about the ex-lightfighter. “6th year Gryffindor, came here for the first time this year.” There was so much that was lost, and no one that hadn't met him would ever know exactly what had been taken away.