Waiting and hoping (Kerridon and Dee)

[Kerridon Paradox]

He turned his head again in confusion as she attempted to explain the reasoning behind the question. [blue]"Why would I lose interest simply because Mister Cooper returned?"[/blue] he inquired, shifting slightly so that he could see her face better, too late realising that her eyes had been closed and she had had a rather content expression on her face... It was a nice change to the normal neutrality or hardness. He settled back to where he had been previously, ensuring his arms were wrapped firmly around her and hoping he hadn't disturbed her too much.

[blue]"I love you, D'rorah. Mister Cooper is not going to get in the way of that, whether he wishes to or not,"[/blue] he assured her firmly, not wanting her to have any lingering doubts. If Dylan did try and interfere again he would make it very clear to the boy – as if he hadn't already – that he was not welcome. He had already ruined enough in D'rorah's life without making it worse. It was bad enough that she had accepted him back as a friend... he couldn't really do much about that though.

He met her eyes calmly with a reassuring smile on his face, raising a hand to rest at the side of her face. The peaceful expression was back and it made his smile widen a little. He leaned forward to press his lips to hers, relishing the short time he had left before class began.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

[blue]"Uncharacteristically, I have no logical answer for that question,"[/blue] she murmured quietly as he asked why she would think he would lose interest in her because Dylan had returned. Her contented expression remained, as she missed the look of confusion he directed toward her.

She smiled slightly as Kerridon reassured her that Dylan Cooper would bring no end to Kerridon's feelings for her. Indeed, the more she thought of her theory, the sillier it sounded. But somehow, it had been difficult to shake. She felt reassured, the worry soothed by his calm, firm answer. That was another thing she loved about Kerridon--he was always so sure of himself. Or, at the very least, he always seemed sure of himself.

As his hand came to rest on her face, she remembered to breathe again. [blue]"I love you too,"[/blue] she replied back quietly. [blue]"And I suppose that question was my silly female moment for the year..."[/blue] her voice trailed off and her lips parted slightly as he leaned in and pressed his lips to her own. She responded with a lingering kiss, feeling her heartbeat speed slightly as she pressed closer to him.

She pulled her lips back ever so slightly until they were only brushing against his. [blue]"You should not go to class today,"[/blue] she suggested with a smirk, certain that was a suggestion he would never actually take. It would draw attention, it would be reckless, it would open the possibility that someone might look more closely into Kerridon's day to day activities. He wasn't the sort to miss class. Neither was D'rorah, for that matter. No, as desirable as it might be to lengthen their stolen time together this morning, it wasn't something either one would allow to happen... they were both too careful for that. [blue]"I worry when we are apart... well, of course I do not actively worry... but I would if I were to allow my thoughts to roam..."[/blue] she smirked slightly, at her own brief moment of foolishness.

She wanted peace. She wanted to be able to walk with Kerridon in public and to be able to think and act freely... it would happen one day. She could be patient. For now, there were these stolen moments to enjoy and savor while they lasted. She pressed her lips more firmly to his once again, kissing him deeply before pulling back just enough to speak against his lips. [blue]"When can we escape for another weekend?"[/blue] she murmured, a note of longing creeping into her voice as she allowed one hand to lightly twine in his hair.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon smirked lightly but not seriously at her admission. He honestly had no idea where such an idea had bloomed from in her head. Dylan had just made him more determined not to lose her... possibly because he appeared to be a threat. Kerridon wasn't sure how much he thought of Dylan as a valid threat. He disliked the boy anyway because of what he had done to D'rorah in the past, but it hadn't really occurred to him in the past that he disliked him because of a possible threat to his relationship with D'rorah. That seemed too... emotional. Even though it was perfectly logical if he looked at it objectively. It was just a little strange looking at his own emotions objectively.

He certainly did feel sure of himself on this matter, although Dylan was an uncertainty he didn't like to either acknowledge or dismiss. But seeming unsure was never something he had bothered with – what was the point? He either knew something, or he didn't. Even when stating a possibility he sounded sure. Uncertainty always appeared as weakness.

For a second a shocked expression appeared on Kerridon's face at D'rorah's suggestion of missing class before he immediately brushed it away, hoping she hadn't seen but doubtful his hope would prove true. [blue]"I do not think that is a sensible suggestion..."[/blue] he told her, his confusion at her words seeping through a little into his voice. Even if there wasn't the sheer audacity of missing a class, there were numerous other reasons why that was not an option – it would draw too much attention, people might notice that both he and D'rorah were missing for that time, he might get behind... Although that last thought wasn't really valid since he was so far ahead already, the rest were. Her worry, though, did seem logical – he could at least acknowledge that. Stating that he could look after himself would not help – she already knew that, and that there were certain things he could not defend against. Instead he just kept his arms around her as if to assure her that he was here now.

He returned her kiss eagerly, breathing heavier when she pulled away. He sighed at the mention of going away again already – it had not been long since the last time and it would be far too risky... but the longing in her voice was clear to him and he certainly understood it. [blue]"It's too soon..."[/blue] he said, not quite meeting her eye as he did so. The longing was still clear in his memory though and he could not bring himself to totally dismiss the idea of getting away. [blue]"Maybe one night... as much as I hate to deprive you of sleep,"[/blue] he added, smirking a little.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah, of course, could not fail to miss the shocked expression on Kerridon's face as she suggested skipping class. Of course, that was because she knew well enough to look for it. The confusion in his voice was enough to prompt a small hint of laughter from her in return. [blue]"Of course, I would never actually do such a thing,"[/blue] she replied with a teasing smile on her face. [blue]"As desirable as the stolen time with you is, I am well aware of how foolish it would be for the two of us to miss a class. Even without the consideration of the Mage and her eyes in the school, Kerridon Paradox and D'rorah Philosophy both missing classes would be enough alone to prompt rumors of the apocalypse. We might unintentionally cause a panic."[/blue] Her eyes were alight with a hint of teasing mischief as she finished speaking. She suddenly realized that she was the more emotional one in the relationship. She wasn't certain how she felt about that... her own control of her emotions and her ability to maintain steadfast calm and logic was a source of pride for her. But then, where her parents had taught her such things in a loving manner out of concern for her safety and well-being, she had a strong inclination to believe that Kerridon's own tutelage had been quite different.

The levity had faded from her voice by the time she had gone on to mention her worry while they were apart. Knowing there was no real answer or reassurance he could give her about that, she found her solace in the fact that his arms were around her now. She breathed deeply as she held herself closer. It was a basic, clean scent... it would be wholly unremarkable to most, and that was something she was certain was intentional. However, to her, it was remarkable for the fact of just how unremarkable it was... clean, crisp, but no noticeable scents or colognes to draw attention to him. Avoiding attention was, for Kerridon, a survival skill.

She shivered slightly as she felt his breath against her skin when they pulled back from the kiss. His sigh sent a tiny parade of goosebumps over her body. She knew the answer almost before it was even voiced. "Too soon"... yes, of course it was much too soon. Even she could agree with that. However, the hope of possibly one night was enough to feel the vague warmth of hope steal through her icy core. [blue]"I assure you, I have other deprivations at the moment that are far more pressing than sleep,"[/blue] she replied, her smirk mirroring his own. [blue]"And you are quite right, it is too soon now... but having something to which I might look forward would likely make the wait slightly more bearable."[/blue] She caught a stray hair between her fingers lightly and pushed it back from his face, her gaze riveted to his eyes. [blue]"Being apart would be less difficult if only there were not the constant worry that perhaps there might not be a.... next time,"[/blue] she finished quietly.

In fact, in their current situation she knew there was a very real possibility that she might have to watch Kerridon carted off to the Shadow Realm while she stood by without helping, acting the part of the enemy, glad to see him leave. She knew she would have to be strong enough to face such an eventuality if it ever came about... as denial of his allegiance to the Lightfighters would likely be the only possibility of keeping him alive. Certainly, chasing after him in an outpouring of emotion at that point would only seal his fate. She couldn't imagine what it would be like if she were ever forced to watch him be tortured--she knew full well that the Mage could be a cruel mistress--and to have to do so not just dispassionately, but with the feigned relish of watching a member of the opposing team bested.

She pushed the thoughts away for now. Going down that path would only make their eventual parting this morning exponentially more difficult and would make the longing to see him that much stronger. It wouldn't serve either of them well at all. And so, determined to simply enjoy her time here while she had it, she pressed her lips to his once again and carefully pushed him back against the ground. [blue]"One night,"[/blue] she whispered against his lips, pulling back enough that they were only lightly brushing against each other. [blue]"What a delicious exercise in self control it will be, to limit a rendezvous to such a torturously short period of time, Mister Paradox."[/blue] Her voice was slightly breathless as she spoke, and the last word had barely left her lips before she pressed them to his with renewed vigor.

[Kerridon Paradox]

He blinked slightly, still confused as she laughed in response. The teasing in her voice finally allowed him to realise that she had not been serious, and his face returned to a more normal, neutral expression. She obviously knew that such a thing could not happen, which reassured him that she was indeed just as logical as before and her feelings for him were not affecting her judgement. In this case it wouldn't matter because it was still up to him, but he wanted to be sure that she wouldn't do something of dubious logic because of him in future that might result in her getting hurt. He doubted it sincerely – it was not at all like D'rorah to be ruled by her emotions – but there had been a little worry there when she had first suggested his skipping class.

His smirk widened slightly at her response and as she pushed the hair back from his face, his eyes never leaving hers. His smile faded though when she worded her worry about their being a next time, transforming into a much more serious expression. He lifted a hand to one of hers, squeezing it gently in an effort to comfort her but not really able to think of anything to say that might have a similar effect. He was well aware there might not be a next time, although he didn't really like to think of that. Best to just enjoy the time they had together now.

Apparently D'rorah had similar ideas as a few moments later he found himself with his back on the ground, a small smirk on his face as she whispered. He returned the kiss passionately, one arm draped lightly around her with the other resting at her neck. Eventually he pulled away, a smile very clear on his face. [blue]"More difficult that limiting this rendezvous which is even shorter?"[/blue] he teased gently, kissing her again gently. [blue]"What will people think if I turn up in class with grass stains on the back of my robes?"[/blue] he added with a smirk, despite knowing he would certainly remove any such marks before leaving the room.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

[blue]"Perhaps this is the more difficult rendezvous after all,"[/blue] she replied slightly breathlessly after he kissed her gently. A smirk spread across her features as he asked what people would think if he turned up in class with grass stains on the back of his robes. [blue]"I imagine the ladies with any sense will be quite jealous. And the young men will wish to express congratulations."[/blue] She pushed another stray hair back from his face as she regarded him. She knew well enough that Kerridon wouldn't leave the room before ensuring he looked as impeccable as always.

She hated that they had to be so secretive. Kerridon certainly looked the part of a perfectly eligible young man... and what would happen if some fetching young lady happened to pursue him? In her mind, she could already picture having to refrain from even feeling jealousy if some doe-eyed schoolmate took a shining to Kerridon. She had seen the way her peers acted around the male students at Hogwarts. She realized as she followed the train of thought that she felt... possessive. It was an interesting revelation to her.

[blue]"So what night will it be?"[/blue] she asked, unable to contain her anticipation at seeing him again in the present moment. She wondered if there were any possibility that they might simply lock themselves in the Room of Requirement. Some days she felt as though she could simply let the entire rest of the world go to hell all around them as long as they could find a safe place for themselves together. Of course, she knew she could never actually do it, her sense of duty was far too strong. But D'rorah certainly wasn't perfect... and the thought of taking a bit of immediate happiness for herself did occur from time to time. It was never seriously considered though.

[blue]"I had a dream... or perhaps more of a random thought I suppose, while I was here, meditating,"[/blue] she remarked quietly, coming to rest beside him as she placed her head on his chest and allowed her hand to trail down his arm. She closed her eyes, remembering everything she had seen. [blue]"It seemed impossible in its perfection."[/blue]

[blue]"We were both together, our quiet home dominated by libraries... I was a Professor for Defense Against Dark Arts and you were a researcher and translator."[/blue] She squeezed her eyes shut a bit more tightly, knowing it had to be a dream on account of the next statement. [blue]"And we had two beautiful children... precocious, intelligent, endlessly curious..."[/blue] she trailed off quietly, remembering the scene in her head with a heart-plucking mixture of longing and sadness. [blue]"Silly, I suppose,"[/blue] she added, chastising herself for allowing her mind to float off into impossible fantasy when she should have been meditating.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon's smirk widened at her response and he rested his head back on the ground, smiling up at her as she brushed a strand of hair away. He really should get it cut soon... it kept getting in his eyes. Other things had been occupying his mind though, without his even realising it. His smile faded slightly as there was a tiny shift in D'rorah's expression, although she gave no other physical or spoken hint as to what her worry was about. The idea that she was worried about their female classmates taking a liking to him had never occurred to him before and still did not now despite the previous reference to it.

He relaxed a little again when she returned to the subject of what night they should meet on, his face turning more serious though as he turned his attention to the question. A weekend would probably be best... then there wouldn't be the problem of early classes the next day. Not that staying awake for nights on end was a problem for either of them – both did it anyway while studying – but he didn't want to have the issue of lingering thoughts while in class. It was difficult enough to avoid thinking about her as it was. [blue]"Perhaps... Saturday?"[/blue] he suggested. He could easily enough catch up on work the night before so that he wasn't too pressed with research to catch up with come Sunday. [blue]"Where? In here, or out of Hogwarts?"[/blue] Out of Hogwarts was probably safer for them, but the Room of Requirement would mean they were easier to contact if something happened to one of the lightfighters.

He brought his hand around to rest lightly in her hair as she rested her head on his chest, closing his eyes as she spoke, a slight smile on his face despite knowing it was a complete fantasy. He didn't like to make fantasies about the future too detailed because then they became stuck in his mind, and were bound to disappoint. Life was never perfect, and the likeliness was that at least one of them wouldn't get out of this alive. He immediately pushed that away – he didn't want to contemplate that just now. It would spoil what time they already had together. Of course, it turned out he didn't have to do that because D'rorah was already voicing a fruitless dream. He opened his eyes and looked down at her, shifting as little as possible to see her expression. [blue]"I am sorry,"[/blue] he said softly, a slight downwards turn to his lips. His free hand floated up to where her other hand was resting, entwining his fingers with hers gently.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah saw Kerridon's smile slip ever so slightly when she mused on the potential of being jealous if another girl happened to pursue him. Of course, he was nearly the only person who could discern her emotionless face... Dylan had learned to read her as well, but not quite as readily. She supposed it made sense that two people who were so controlled with their emotions were quite adept at reading them in each other.

And yet, despite the fact that she could discern the emotion, he never made mention of it. She could only assume his reaction was a response to the minor shift in her own features that may have happened in response to her jealousy.

She smiled when he chose Saturday, her expression shifting to a more thoughtful one was he asked where. [blue]"That is certainly a difficult question,"[/blue] she remarked, gazing down at him lovingly. [blue]"Traveling outside of the school risks that we may be seen together, while remaining within the school... well, also risks that we may be seen together. If we remain here, I will at least be accessible, should one of the Lightfighters need me,"[/blue] she remarked thoughtfully. Though, she wasn't sure if the Room of Requirement would feel very private to her, knowing that Bryan would have access to it as well. Fortunately, D'rorah was certain he had enough discretion to avoid the room if she and Kerridon were within.

She decided to ponder the matter and come back to it after a moment, switching to relaying the "dream" she had had before. His response acknowledged that there really was no proper response for such a thing. Where most would have tried to comfort her or offer false hope that she might one day find that magic allowed a solution to her problem, Kerridon was more realistic. She squeezed his fingers gently as they entwined with her own, thankful for the quiet support. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. She wished she knew what Kerridon thought of children and the like... even if things might not turn out, it never hurt to plan ahead. If he was truly set on them... she pushed the thought away. She didn't want to think of the possibility that she might find herself pushed aside later in pursuit of biological offspring. She was truly too young to think of such things at any rate... but she always had been the sort to look ahead... her father had called her an optimist who always planned on there being a future... while her mother had called her a pessimist to expected whatever future might come to be one of the least desirable options.

She forced a smile and looked up at him, moving back to the issue of their upcoming rendezvous. [blue]"I would prefer to leave. And Saturday works well. Perhaps we could visit my home in Tel Aviv. I believe it would do us both good to spend some time away from Hogwarts. If any emergency arises, we can be called back fairly easily."[/blue]

[Kerridon Paradox]

He waited for her response, already having come up with the difficulties or disadvantages of each option. She seemed to go for staying at Hogwarts, but then became uncertain... He nodded at each of her remarks, not at all wanting Bryan to come in on them. At least if they were outside of Hogwarts he would just contact D'rorah mentally if she was needed, since he would not be able to get to wherever they went – probably either one of his or D'rorah's homes, which managed to spread themselves over three continents.

As she sighed his arm around her and the hand holding hers both tightened a little. [blue]"Do not worry about such things now,"[/blue] he whispered to her. It didn't occur to him to offer her comfort on the fact that he would not leave her because of her inability to have children, because such an idea was ludicrous to him. Although his father had always impressed upon him the importance of continuing the family line, it was never something he had really concerned himself with. And now he had D'rorah, he didn't really feel like dropping her for someone else because of his father's values. After all, his father's values were not exactly high up on the list of what he cared about.

He gave her a small smile and nodded as she decided to leave, agreeing with her suggestion of visiting her home in Tel Aviv. He had never been anywhere near that area of the world before and it would be interesting to see what it was like... Although to be honest, he doubted he would see a lot. He would not be able to leave the apartment with D'rorah, and the whole point of the evening was to spend time with her. [blue]"It sounds perfect,"[/blue] he smiled down at her, gently kissing the top of her head. He sighed as he realised that it was getting close to when his lesson would begin. [blue]"I cannot stay much longer..."[/blue]

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah's face fell as Kerridon whispered to her not to worry about things like children now. She knew it was foolish... she had no way of knowing if she would even survive the war. Or if she did, Kerridon wouldn't... it seemed everyone she grew close to lately find some way of dying. [blue]"Thinking and hoping for the future is one of the few things I have left to keep me going through all of this exhausting mess,"[/blue] she replied quietly. [blue]"Father and Master Xiu always warned me that it important to remember why we fight... why we sacrifice so much in this conflict."[/blue] She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it softly. [blue]"Victory through hope... it is the one weapon the enemy cannot have."[/blue] She turned to regard him, a sad smile gracing her features. [blue]"You are my hope, Kerridon Paradox... so I worry about things which might lead you to unhappiness in the future."[/blue]

She lay her head back down on his chest, breathing deeply as she forced out the tension that managed to accumulate from the stress of her days over the week. She saw his nod from the corner of her eye as he agreed to her decision to leave. She smirked slightly. [blue]"A cardboard box would sound perfect, as long as we could both be in it,"[/blue] she replied, smiling as he kissed the top of her head.

Her arms wrapped more tightly around him as he said he could not stay much longer, as though she could slow the advance of time through sheer force of will. [blue]"I do not want you to leave,"[/blue] she replied quietly, craning her neck up to place a kiss on his cheek. [blue]"Saturday seems impossibly far away."[/blue] She brought her lips to his and kissed him softly, gazing into his eyes with heartbroken longing. The secrecy would be more bearable if only she had freedom of thought... at least then there would be memories of time like this to distract her from the wait. But she knew that soon enough she would have to wall it all up where she could not even access it.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon worried for a moment if he'd said the wrong thing when he saw her face fall at his words; he didn't know whether that was due to what he'd said or just the topic they were on at the moment. [blue]"Then hope for the future... do not worry about it,"[/blue] he suggested softly. A small smile crossed his face momentarily as she kissed his hand but it faded soon enough when he saw the sadness on her own face. He paused though at her statement that hope was one thing the enemy could not have, thinking back on his own time working for Dark Phoenix. Had he really had any hope? Perhaps a little that eventually he would be left alone... but no real thoughts of what he would gain from victory. It only made him appreciate D'rorah more.

Again he rested his hand in her hair as she lay back down, stroking the top of her head softly as he attempted to come up with some words that would prevent her worrying too much. He smiled again at the mention of a cardboard box. [blue]"Perhaps not quite as comfortable, though,"[/blue] he teased back.

He closed his eyes as he felt her arms wrap tighter around him, sighing softly at her words. He opened them a few moments later but regretted it after seeing the look on her face. He knew he needed to leave for his class... but despite that, found that he couldn't force his muscles to move and get to his feet. They just wanted to stay here, right next to D'rorah. [blue]"I know..."[/blue] he agreed at the mention of Saturday. [blue]"But... if I do not go now, people will wonder... it will raise suspicion."[/blue]

It was a few more minutes before he found the willpower to push himself upwards to a sitting position, one arm kept tightly around D'rorah as he did so to keep her close. [blue]"Do not worry about my unhappiness in the future,"[/blue] he told her firmly. [blue]"So long as I have you, that will not be an issue,"[/blue] he assured her, planting a gently kiss on her forehead.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah nodded as Kerridon said that him not leaving how would raise suspicion. She knew well enough that there was no way of knowing who might be watching one's comings and goings at any moment.

She smiled at him as he kissed her forehead, assuring her that his happiness would not be an issue as long as he had her. [blue]"I have no intention of being anywhere you are not,"[/blue] she replied as she brushed a strand of hair back from his forehead. She gazed into his eyes for a long moment before finally pulling herself to her feet, her arms still around him so he might stand with her.

[blue]"Saturday then,"[/blue] she bid, forcing a smile to her face. [blue]"Perhaps it is not so far away after all..."[/blue] She kissed his cheek, knowing that any other contact would make pulling away now nearly impossible. Gently, she extracted herself from his arms, stepping back so that she might allow him the opportunity to escape while they both still had some facsimile of willpower still intact.

[blue]"Be safe while we are apart,"[/blue] she bid, taking another step backwards. Her eyes were still on him, watching him carefully as he prepared to leave. [blue]"One day there will be fewer goodbyes between us."[/blue]

[Kerridon Paradox]

Despite her agreeing nod, Kerridon still wanted to stay here with her, to just be reckless for once and miss a class. But being reckless was irresponsible and could end up with both of them dead. He knew it was as serious as that, but still the temptation arose each time he left D'rorah, or even in the back of his mind when he passed her in a corridor or in a classroom; the temptation to just ignore reason and refuse to be parted from her – to let everyone in the school know how he felt, just so he didn't have to hide this. Every day, every meeting, it seemed to get harder.

He nodded at her reassurance of both herself and him that Saturday was not so far away, tightening his arms around her as she kissed him on the cheek, but eventually loosening them as she pulled away. He watched her with an apparently calm expression as she stepped backwards, beginning to push all thoughts of her aside and to the back of his mind in preparation for leaving the room.

He nods at her simple instruction, fully intending to keep himself safe now he had D'rorah. He refused to lose her either by her demise or his. [blue]"I look forward to that day,"[/blue] he said simply with a small smile, before giving her a small nod of farewell and turning to leave the room, clearing his mind as he did so. By the time he stepped out into the hallway, all thoughts of her were gone from his mind and instead he was focussing on how he was planning to write the next Transfiguration essay due in.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah watched as Kerridon pulled away, also packing away her own emotions and memories into her own mind... becoming the monolith of emotionless objectivity. She returned his small nod of farewell and watched as he left the room. Turning back away from the door, she debated on what to do and unbuttoned her overrobe, leaving it neatly folded on the ground and taking up a position to practice her martial arts forms.

She trains harder and faster, using the exercise to push her longing for Kerridon further from her mind with each aching muscle. When she finally emerges hours later, she is sore and exhausted, but her mind is clear. Gathering her energy and taking a moment to compose her appearance, she steps out into the hallway, and heads to her dormitory to gather her books and materials before heading off to her classes for the day.

Just as it was for Kerridon, each goodbye was becoming more difficult for her. The constant secrecy was wearing at her resolve... and each time she had to pass him in the corridors or sit in a classroom with him without so much as being able to acknowledge his existence grated at her nerves. She hadn't realized how difficult it would be to keep this secret. But they would persevere, for now, she had a war to attend to.