Meeting in a Bookshop (Dee)

[Kerridon Paradox]

Walking through Diagon Alley, Kerridon soon found what he was searching for and made his way round the corner that lead to Knockturn Alley. As was usual, it had its normal ensemble of suspicious looking characters skulking in corners, but to be honest, it wasn’t very busy there today. Keeping his head high and sure not to make eye contact with anyone, he headed down the dingy alleyway, glancing in a few shop windows as he passed.

In the bag slung over his shoulder were several items he had found while visiting Taylor Hall for the first time in years that he wasn’t particularly keen on keeping in his possession. He had plenty of weapons without needing an animated, jewel-encrusted dagger that had managed to kill one of the house elves while she was cleaning. Right now it was locked up in a steel-framed chest, but could vaguely be heard rattling about inside as it tried to escape. He knew that there were plenty of places in Knockturn that would be very keen to buy ancient items from him, but that would come later. For now, he was going to the shop that had the most appeal to him in the whole of Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley put together.

Vitus Lego was a bookshop that had been there almost as long as Ollivanders had been in Diagon Alley. The books and other items stocked there were mostly the variety that you could find in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts, but with less of a limit. There were no worries here about what might be unsuitable reading for students. Entering and giving a small nod of greeting to the owner, Kerridon headed over to the section on magical creatures. He had bought several manuscripts and papers on dementors before, but the shop was very good at getting new material. Since quite a lot of the books here were unique or of a very small number, he had always made a habit of coming here frequently before. But after... what happened last January, one thing had led to another and he’d been coming hardly at all. Hopefully there weren’t a lot of people interested in finding alternate techniques to fighting off dementors who would have taken lots of the texts away themselves. Seeing a likely looking title, he carefully removed the leather-bound text from the bookcase and flipped it open to glance at a few pages inside.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah had spent a quiet morning at Ollivander's having no customers to speak of that particular day. she wasn't really surprised at that. They were well into the school year by now... past the season for those getting their first wands. The few orders she had these days were usually repair orders; those she quietly packaged and sent off to the shop artisan to see what he could do with them. Though D'rorah was very good at selecting wands for people, she had never in her life built or repaired one. Finding that she was able to close up rather early, she took a few wrong turns--though she was going exactly where she meant to go--and soon ended up in the darkened recesses of Knockturn Alley. It was a fascinating place, and there was nothing quite like it where she was from. The age and establishment of magical Europe meant that far darker pursuits had had time to take up root there. America was still in its infancy, comparatively. There were, of course, native magics that were far more established there... but here, wizardry was the native magic. It was nice to have Knockturn Alley so close and convenient for her perusal... saved her the trouble of long distance apparition to delve into her own dark pursuits.

Her posture was erect and she was alert as always as she passed through the stone corridors. All around her, she could hear the babble of different languages... yes, this was where the seediest and darkest came to congregate. Of course, some were merely pretenders, convinced of their own nonexistant power. She was far more interested in the authentic. In that vein, she made her way to Vitus Lego to see what she might find of interest there.

She nodded a silent greeting to the owner and headed directly to the place she thought it most likely she would find texts that might help with defensive magic for the Shadow Wars. Gone for the moment were her days of exploring the realms of Unforgivable Curses. She paused as she noticed a familiar figure perusing a text she herself might have plucked from the shelf. "[blue]Ah, Mister Paradox,[/blue]" she greeted neutrally. There had been a time when she had fancied he might prove to be an ally of sorts, but those had passed. She was far too suspicious of him at present to enlist further help with any of her research.

"[blue]I understand you had quite an encounter in the Forest recently. You seem much recovered. Is your research for defense? Or merely studying your allies?[/blue]" she asked, arching an eyebrow slightly as her eyes shifted to indicate the book he held. It was a shame to give up the potential of an ally like Kerridon... she almost wished there were some possibility of winning him over to the Lightfighters... well, she was assuming that his true associations were with the Mage. Perhaps they weren't, perhaps he legitimately was not an ally of darkness. But D'rorah had no intention of offering herself up as a sacrifice to find out.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Engrossed in the book, Kerridon paid little attention to the other few customers who filtered in and out. It was quite a well known shop, with a lot of regulars who were more familiar with the shelves than some of the staff themselves. At the edge of his peripheral, he could distantly hear a new sales assistant getting shown the ropes. By the sounds of it, the teenage boy, maybe a little older than him, was not doing particularly well. He would probably end up in one of the offices out back, laboriously making copies of translations done by other, more qualified people.

Years ago, Kerridon remembered, he had dreamed of working in this very shop. Not an auror like his mother wanted, not a slave to Dark Phoenix as his father wanted, but just a simple translator, changing ancient works into texts that people now could understand. Of course this had been discovered via legilimency and he’d been punished for such unruly, treacherous thoughts, but the idea had been there, long ago. Now back after such a long time away, he almost wished that he could allow himself to have such frail hopes again, just as something to make tomorrow and the next day and the day after a little more bearable. Except that if he wanted that kind of hope, he was probably fighting for the wrong side. So there was really no purpose to even considering it. His side was chosen.

The book he’d picked up was definitely a good one to take; indirectly related to his own research. Studying the contents, he paid no heed to whoever it was who had also approached this section of texts until they spoke. Then he recognised D’rorah’s voice immediately. His head snapped to the side and he saw her standing there in her usual, modest attire.

“Miss Philosophy,” he replied, a hint of wariness in his tone. He had not spoken to her since before the time in Hogsmeade, although he had been in several classes with her since his return. He had no idea of what Keaira or Zane had told her, and had been unwilling to approach to find out. What was she doing here anywhere? The answer came to him immediately it was so obvious – she had her own research, and it did not surprise him much that she would come here to get books and texts to help her along.

"I understand you had quite an encounter in the Forest recently. You seem much recovered. Is your research for defense? Or merely studying your allies?"

The mention of his ‘encounter’ in the Forest told him that Keaira or Zane had at least told D’rorah something. But it told him nothing of how much. A slight tingling ran down his wand arm where the highest proportion of his new scars were but he ignored it, as usual.

“Dementors are not true allies with anyone,” he replied softly, but firmly. It was exactly what he believed – if he thought that Dark Phoenix had complete control over the creatures, he wouldn’t go to the trouble of finding other ways to fight them off. His patronus, which had never been particularly strong before, had still not returned and he had almost given up all hope of being able to perform that spell again. “They will do whatever provides them with the most opportunity to feed. I am surprised they are continuing to restrict themselves to the forest, frankly.”

He said nothing about the Forest incident, not wanting to prompt any more comments like the last about allies. He had a feeling that either she hadn’t been told the whole story, or she simply didn’t believe it – there was no sign of trust in her eyes. Granted, trust was not something one could often see in the eyes of D’rorah Philosophy, but before he thought there might have been a consideration of it. Now... nothing.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah listened to Kerridon's response and exhaled dismissively. "[blue]Please, Mister Paradox, do not insult my intelligence and make me doubt your own by making it sound as though the dementors are the greatest threat in that forest,[/blue]" she replied, her voice a calm whisper for the sake of secrecy. "[blue]You and I both know that the dementors are the very least of anyone's worries in that forest... and in the world at large, by this point. You are correct, Dementors will never truly ally themselves with anyone. However, the Mage's Shadows are far stronger... and they are under her complete and absolute control. That control, in fact, is the most basic essence of her power. The dementors follow her only because she could easily destroy them with her Shadows.[/blue]"

She turned to the bookshelf, selecting a text as she allowed a smirk to rise to her features. "[blue]Were you attempting to absolve your mistress of her crime against you? You thought that perhaps nearly killing you was some accident? Even with your death she would have found a way to serve her own purposes. Every single one of her allies are expendable... after all is said and done, no reward will be found from her. After all, when the entire realm is a desolate wasteland, what could there possibly be left to reward anyone with? Humans cannot survive long in the Shadow Realm.[/blue]"

As though dismissing him entirely, she turned her attention to perusing the shelves, moving down several feet as she looked over the current offerings. She had seen so much potential in Kerridon... and to find that it had all been thrown away in service to the Mage was nearly intolerable. Even Kerridon deserved better than the lot he had cast for himself... a few moments of possible glory followed by a wasteful and likely unnecessary death. And, having apparently fallen out of the Mage's favor, it was quite unlikely he would enjoy any possible reward he might have expected for even the briefest period of time.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon hid a wince at the apathy in D’rorah’s tone and body language as she replied. Yes... she wasn’t really in a friendly mood, even for her. Once she had finished her speech on dementors and shadows, he spoke up before she could continue, raising the book in her hands so she could see the title more clearly.

“I was under the impression you were discussing this text, which pertains to dementors. Forgive me for making that assumption,” he said quietly, a hint of barely distinguishable acid in his voice. It was well disguised, but he held little hope that she would miss it. He wasn’t being intentionally unfriendly – at least, he hadn’t made a conscious decision to be, but when people lectured him on things he already knew, as D’rorah had just done, he automatically seemed to go on the defensive. Still, he kept his voice at the same volume as she had kept hers. “Since dementors are so much weaker than shadows, and wraiths for that matter, the most logical way forward would be to work out a method to defend against them first, and go from there. Patronuses do not even work that well against shadows, so finding an effective alternative would be even more difficult.”

The smirk on her face was painful to see, even through his underdeveloped sense of his own emotions. It gave him the feelings that she knew something he didn’t; like she knew more. And since she was on the opposing side – the enemy, in essence – that idea was quite worrying to him. Her description of his recent torture as a “crime” was a first to him. He had not really considered that it could truly be such. He was working for her, and Mordred had made a huge mistake. He had suffered for it, but it had been necessary to get him back into the school. He could hate Gat and Mordred enough for that, but blaming Dark Phoenix? Such an idea would be suicidal the moment she came across it in his mind. What was said about her finding some way to “serve her own purposes” if his death had come about was enough to make him uncomfortable, but if truth be told, death was not that bad an idea as far as he could work out. It was an escape, and if what some people believed was correct, he might end up reunited with his sister. If not, then at least he wouldn’t have to feel any more. And there were other realms that had not yet been corrupted, he was sure. There could be rewards there.

She turned her attention away from him and he found it hurting again. Before, she had shown interest. Now, it was as if there was no potential left in him to show interest in – like he was a hopeless cause. A battle suddenly started up inside him over how he should reply. There was no doubt that he would reply, despite how she appeared to be ignoring him now. He could inquire on how much Keaira had told her of the story that had been concocted – either she was missing a lot that he could fill her in on, or accuse her of believing one sentence from a traitor like Mordred rather than what her own allies had seen in his head.

Except, there was a problem; another option. He didn't want to lie to her, to deceive her. And if she didn't believe the lie anyway, he would almost certainly go down in her eyes for trying.

He could be truthful. It would mean that all of that pain he’d suffered would be pointless because he would be giving away his allegiance. The Mage would be livid once she found out. But, he wanted her to understand. He did not want her to think he was following the darker side for a reward promised somewhere along the road. He didn’t want to have to be against her in this war; didn’t want her inevitable death if she carried on along this path to be as painful as it surely would be. If he could show her that what she was doing was pointless... If he changed her side simply by telling her what he knew to be true, then Dark Phoenix could hardly punish him for convincing one of her strongest enemies that she was wrong...

With a few short steps, he was suddenly standing behind her, mouth by her ear as he spoke, lips barely moving. No one else in the shop would be able to hear him, and most would not be able to even tell he was speaking. This could quite easily turn out to be either one of the biggest mistakes of his life, or one of the best decisions he ever made. If her reaction was the wrong one, he was basically sentencing himself to a lot more pain than he had felt at Gat’s hand. It was a risk, but hopefully one worth taking. If only she would be convinced...

“You’re going to lose,” he began, no trace of any doubt in his voice as he said those words. He had seen the power wielded by his mistress; the huge enormity of her control, as opposed to a group of Hogwarts students who had been thrown together by magic they had no control over. He had seen the two different sides, and could not see any other way that this war could go in the end. “Why do you keep fighting if you know it will just lead to your death, and the others’? I believe you to be a logical person, but what you are doing is completely beyond any logic I can see. You must know how strong she is, and you cannot truly have any hope of winning if you know that...” Pausing, he moved onto his own reasons soon enough. “I fight for no reward, simply to stem off the pain. If I do what she wants, she does not hurt me. Why on earth would I go against someone like that? She would hunt me down and make sure I ended up dead if I absconded. All I want is to get through until I die with as little pain as possible, and continuing on the road my father sent me on seems the best way to do that. Maybe once it’s all over I will not have to fight any more. I can be left alone, servitude all done.”

He stopped there – he could say plenty more on the matter, but perhaps it would be best to wait for a reaction first... to see if he had just thrown away a lot. He was nervous to hear her response, but managed to keep all signs of it from his outer image.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah heard Kerridon's acidic reply and brushed it off. She had little concern for his assumption, or for the clues that might have led him to it.

“Since dementors are so much weaker than shadows, and wraiths for that matter, the most logical way forward would be to work out a method to defend against them first, and go from there. Patronuses do not even work that well against shadows, so finding an effective alternative would be even more difficult.”

"[blue]You fail to take into account the fact that they are essentially different creatures. While dementors are creatures related to those from the Shadow Realm, they are not directly from there. They have fared too long on earth. Finding a plausible defense against one will not necessarily lead to a defense against the other.[/blue]"

D'rorah wondered, as she perused the shelves, just how long it might take Kerridon to begin his reply. She could nearly feel the tension within him... it was like an electric energy in the air. Still, she kept her attention on the shelves, unwilling to spare any more time for him than the absolutely must. Most likely, anything he said would only be a lie anyway, and what use would there be in sparing attention for that?

Suddenly, she felt him very close behind her back. Every muscle in her body tensed to react, yet something stopped her. Instead, she felt his breath whisper across her earlobe as he began to speak, so quietly that surely no one else in the store might hear it. She listened to his words quietly, finding herself surprised that the words were quite the opposite of the lies she had expected. Kerridon was being honest with her... and what more, he seemed to be concerned for her well being. Of course, his ideas of how that well being might be best preserved.

Carefully, D'rorah turned to face Kerridon. She scrutinized his eyes, as though she looking for a flicker of something... he was intelligent... yet... somehow he had managed to develop such a flawed sense of this war. It would be such a shame to kill him. And she would have to do it eventually if he were to stay on the Mage's side. Or, at the very least, one of them would end up dead. Perhaps it would be she... D'rorah had no penchant for telling the future.

"[blue]If I give up, I lose before I even begin. Allowing Dark Phoenix to win this realm is a certain ticket to death. Fighting... resistance provides, at the very least, the opportunity of winning. Too many times in history atrocities happen which could have been prevented because good people thought them inevitable. They gave up... losing is assured to anyone who simply cedes to the demands of tyrants. Her wish for my death is no assurance that it will come about. Thrice now I have been at her mercy, tortured insidiously by her minions... so close to the edge of death and corruption. Each time, against the odds, I have escaped. The experiences were far from pleasant, but I have proven that she can be beaten. And perhaps, some of us will die. Death is inevitable in the course of a war. However, if we who have the ability to stand against her do not take up the cause, then everyone dies. You say that she will not hurt you if you do as she wishes... yet, you have already been proven wrong in that belief by being tortured.[/blue]"

She glanced around, making sure no one had approached... even though her words were so quiet they would prevent anyone from listening very easily. "[blue]The only logical choice is to stand and fight... avoid servitude. The worst that happens is death. Or, serve a cruel mistress... live through painful servitude and die in the end anyway. At least the first option provides some glimmer of hope that survival is possible.[/blue]" As she had spoke, a light had grown in D'rorah's eyes. This war was the consuming point of her life right now. She felt very strongly about her decision to stand with her fellow Lightfighters. And the force of her convictions shone through every word. As she stood there, awaiting Kerridon's reaction, she almost dared to hope that her words might hold some sway over him.

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon listened as D’rorah spoke again, making the conclusion as he did so that she was indeed brushing him off. From what he could make out, she didn’t think he was worth her attention because she now knew he served the Mage. But... he was just following his logic. Surely D’rorah of all people could understand that?

“But still, the point remains. It will likely be easier to form a defence against shadows if I have an idea of how to do so against dementors. They are not the same, but similar enough that hopefully it will give me somewhere to start.”

The tension in the narrow corridor between the two rows of tall bookcases was blatantly apparent to the both of them. Even someone just passing by the end might notice, but luckily the shop was empty enough that that shouldn’t be a problem. Someone else being interested in the books around them could also prove to be a problem, but hopefully it wouldn’t come to that. If it did, they would just have to find somewhere else to continue this discussion. Because having just taken that big a risk, he was not going to let this conversation be postponed to another time.

He stayed still as she turned to look at him, meeting her gaze unflinchingly. She seemed to be searching for something, but he didn’t know what and wasn’t sure if she had found it or not when she eventually spoke. As she spoke of previous atrocities that had happened because they were thought inevitable, he felt a little discomfort sink into him again. True, it would not be pleasant for the whole realm to be turned into what the Shadow Realm was like, but... surely, it was inevitable. The fact that she was answering his question as to why you fight against the inevitable was worrying... he had never seen any reason why to fight for the side that was going to lose before. No one had ever really explained why they fought for the side they did except his father – and that had been very short. It was, simply put, for power. He enjoyed the feeling of dominance over others. But, also, because he was convinced that Dark Phoenix was going to win. That assured “fact” had somehow transferred over to what Kerridon thought during his training.

“You would not be giving up...” he tried to explain, a small frown of confusion creasing his forehead as he tried to understand what she was saying. “I do not see... She is centuries old, has been fighting for centuries. Her followers are, for the most part, adults with decades of experience. You are a group of teenagers. Where is the chance in that? It will simply end up with all of you dead, having led short, painful lives with an even more painful ending. You say that you have proven she can be beaten... escaping was not beating her. It just prolongs the time before the inevitable. Because it is inevitable. She will win, eventually. I cannot see that you have any opportunity to win... I have seen no evidence except that she will crush you, using the most painful method she can come up with. Show me evidence that you have a chance,” he challenged her, not really expecting D’rorah to be able to come up with anything. “Show me examples of when you have won. Show me that you have an idea of how to beat her. Because now, all I can see are the faces of those whom she has crushed already. Paul, Mordred, Mallan. Dien, Wysteria. Kono, Mongol, Sinsu. Who is next? She is breaking you apart from the inside by taking away those who are important to you.”

When she mentioned his torture at the hands of Gat and that it proved his beliefs wrong, Kerridon suddenly found that he could not continue to look her in the eye. She had found a flaw in his logic, one that he was hard pushed to find an explanation for. Examining the spines of a series of old books next to her shoulder, he finally replied to that part. “That... was an exception. For the most part. She was doing what she thought she had to – what she had to do,” he suddenly corrected himself, worried by how close he had come to implying that the Mage might have been wrong in that decision. “It... she is solid. Always there – a constant. Something I can rely on to not change – she will always want to win, will always continue to fight until she wins. Everything that ever changed in my life turned out to be bad, but I know that she will not change.”

He realised that he was trying to defend his decision again, but continued anyway. He felt like he needed her to understand, and slowly rose his eyes to hers again as he spoke. “My parents divorced, and I suddenly found my grandfather teaching me ruthlessly on how to be an auror. The wandless magic developed, and the methods he used doubled in severity. He and my mother went away, and I was under the care of my father, being trained to follow Dark Phoenix. I started going on missions, and my sister ends up dead. My father disappears and then I’m living with my godmother, who tries to do what’s right but doesn’t have a clue. I come to Hogwarts...” There, he found he had to stop. Hogwarts, the one change that had happened which he was glad of. Now he was finding flaws in his own arguments. What had she said that had so distorted his simple view of this war, that meant he tried to explain himself and then couldn’t?

“I do not care if I die,” he whispered finally in response to her final statement on logical choices. The conviction of her voice was strongly at contrast with the tone of his own voice. He thought he had been convinced... but now he wasn’t sure. If she thought to look, the confusion and slight panic would be visible in subtle hints of his facial expression. “I just want to not hurt any more than I already have. If I allow myself a hope, I am just setting myself up to come crashing back to reality. The worst that happens is not death – it is the pain. And what Keaira threatened does not convince me in the slightest that you are any more merciful than the ‘evil’ side.”

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah listened as Kerridon seemed to be trying to defend the decision of which side he had chosen in this war. Perhaps he didn't know the true history of the Shadow Wars. His understanding, it seemed, had flaws. She waited until he had finished speaking once again.

"[blue]Kerridon...[/blue]" she switched to the first name, trying for anything that might help her to reach him. "[blue]Our particular group may not yet have won the war, but we have had victories. Several months ago, we thwarted her attempt to open a rift large enough to bring Yang into our world... in muggle London, no less. We have fought her in the forest... and each time, she has fallen back when she sensed the possibility that she might not prevail against us. There is also the simple fact that this war has happened before in other times. There have been other Mage's who have risen to attempt to take this realm. And each time, a generation of new Lightfighters has defeated her. The history is ancient, far more ancient that the few centuries Dark Phoenix has secured for herself. Each time, the losses have been painful, but Earth has been spared subjugation at the hands of Yang's chosen.[/blue]"

She searched his eyes again, looking to his facial expressions and features, rather than his mind. He seemed clear enough to read at the moment. There was conflict in his eyes... yet he was slowly seeming to slip up enough to admit that perhaps his mistress was no infallible. "[blue]You say that attacking you was an exception, that she did only what she had to do. But how many exceptions will there be? How many times will it be expedient to jeopardize your life or cause you great pain in order for her to secure what she wants?[/blue]" She allowed a derisive exhalation to escape her lips. "[blue]I would dare venture that you have suffered as much at her hands as I have. Or at least, if you give her more time, you will. As long as she is here, continuing to upset the balance of our realm, there will be Lightfighters to oppose her. Until there is no humanity left to oppose her.[/blue]"

"[blue]Do not rely on her as a constant. I have every intention of destroying her and restoring the balance she has shattered. Just as my predecessors before me, we cannot rest until things are brought back into balance. We protect not only our own realm, but others... if our realm falls, soon enough, she will begin to seek new places to spread the rotting waste of her realm of pure darkness. And, if you truly did not care if you died... if all you wished was to curb your own pain, you would have killed yourself long ago. It is the most expedient way to achieve freedom from pain. Part of you wishes for something better than what you and your loved ones have been forced to endure thus far... even if you refuse to admit that fact to yourself. Hope, Kerridon, is the strongest trait of our humanity. Hope is the force that has me up every night, examining the several millenia worth of texts in search of every possible advantage. Dark Phoenix has been defeated before by Lightfighters who were comparatively inexperienced and raw... a random group of people thrown together by fate... this is the generation where she will finally be not only thwarted in her designs, but destroyed. Make no mistake of that. We have experience on our side as well. The pattern has played out before with different Mages... and each time, the end has been the same. Otherwise, we would not be here today, having this conversation. Perhaps we are not merciful either... or at least, there are a few among my allies who are ruthless. The main difference, however, is that anyone on our side has a choice to fight or not to fight. We are only cold and heartless where our enemies are concerned... because we know that failure has far too great a price.[/blue]"

Daring to hope that she might have cultivated a valuable ally from someone who seemed to have been only a reluctant enemy, D'rorah watched Kerridon. He could be trained, he could be lifted up from the broken person he had become at the hands of Dark Phoenix. Even if he only renounced his allegiance to her, a weight would lift from him... she could see vitality below the surface of his words, waiting for a chance... waiting for him to throw off the conclusion that his own painful demise was a mere inevitability. If he could only realize it himself, he might even feel whole again for a time. Yes, she dared hope... there was more promise in him than she had realized... and for that promise, she had to hope.

[Kerridon Paradox]

The use of his first name made Kerridon a little nervous. He was getting a horrible feeling that she was trying to reach out to him, rather than the other way round. And an even worse feeling that told him she was, at least to some degree, succeeding. Never before had he paused to doubt his assessment of why he was in this war. Before, there had been no reason to doubt it. But right now, in the present, D’rorah was planting all sorts of ideas in his head that would get him very hurt if Dark Phoenix ever came across them.

It was true that researching what had happened in the past in the Shadow Wars had proven difficult. He had done plenty of it at his father’s house, but the books there had been more focussed on the darker side’s victories than anything to do with lightfighters, however hard he looked. How Dark Phoenix had destroyed generation after generation of Shadow Warriors and Elemental Masters in the last few centuries, gaining more and more power as she did so. But as for other Shadow Mages who had lost...

One text had vaguely alluded to a predecessor of Dark Phoenix who had made a mistake and been thwarted. But other than that, he had found nothing to do with other Mages. Was it true, that there had been Shadow Wars before? That... lightfighters had won? After leaving his father’s house and going to his godmother’s, then Hogwarts, he had never actually thought to look for other texts pertaining to the Shadow Wars. He had thought that he knew enough about it to not really need to know much more. Apparently, there had been much more to learn that had been blocked off from him before. And he had not known of this apparent event in London only a few months ago. Granted, a few months ago could easily have been a time before he started Hogwarts, when he was not in the best of shape, but... had he purposely not been told? So he would continue under the illusion that she was undefeatable?

The questions she was asking of him were making him more and more uncomfortable, mostly because he had no answers. How much more would he be hurt before it was all over? True, it had been his father to cause him the most pain, but... For the first time since Taisy’s death, Kerridon considered exactly how much blame he could lay on his father. The majority of it could be placed there, of course. He had been the one to fire the spell. But, they had been sent on that mission, one of many, by Dark Phoenix. Surely some of the guilt should rest on her? The moment the idea came to him he pushed it away. Those were dangerous thoughts. If he continued to think like that he would find himself unable to do as she wanted, which would in turn lead to more pain.

The certainty in D’rorah’s voice as she spoke of her intentions to destroy Dark Phoenix shattered another part of Kerridon’s convictions that she would win – simply because D’rorah sounded sp sure. There was no doubt in her that he could sense. She completely and absolutely believed that what she was doing was right, and that the lightfighters would win in the end.

As she told him how he would have killed himself long ago if he had really wanted to end the pain, Kerridon was reminded of a time, just over a year ago, when he had tried to do just that. He was never quite sure what happened, but something went wrong and his attempt had failed. Although that had woken him up a little, he had wanted to try again. But... something had stopped him. He had no idea what it was, but something had prevented him from taking another stab at suicide. What D’rorah was telling him now... was that why? He wouldn’t allow his conscious self any hope, but perhaps his subconscious wasn’t as good as doing what he wanted... Either way, it was a disturbing thought. He had worked so long to push away all hopes and dreams so that he wouldn’t end up disappointed and hurt again, that knowing they were still there despite his best efforts was... well, he wasn’t quite sure how to react to that. If indeed D’rorah was right about why he hadn’t yet killed himself.

Finally she finished her speech, and Kerridon didn’t answer immediately. His eyes weren’t completely focussed on her as he thought it all through. The logic she was talking about... he couldn’t find faults in it. Not like the huge flaws she was finding in his logic. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. By this point he had worked out what she was hoping for – that he would forgo Dark Phoenix and maybe even join the lightfighters. But... he really couldn’t see how that would possibly work. With all the spies already at Hogwarts, one would surely report to her that he had suddenly become very close to certain people. And the moment he came face to face with her... well, he could use legilimency and occlumency, and fairly well, but compared to the mental powers she had it was nothing. If she was looking for something, he was certain that she would find it without a lot of difficulty, however many barriers he put up.

“But what can I do? You say all this, but how can I do anything? You talk of all that I have suffered because of her, but that was while fighting for her. If I changed sides, when she got hold of me, what would happen then? What will she do to me if I am against her? How can I... help you... if I know that will be my fate? To end up in more pain than ever before, and for nothing if she wins.” He asked the questions slowly, for the first time in a long while allowing himself a conscious hope – that D’rorah would know the solution. That she could provide answers. “What do you want me to do?” The final query could be construed as meaning to now, or in the wider spectrum. If she could answer those last questions; find a way for him to stop his servitude without causing him more pain, then she had him. The logic was there, the certainty of winning. And... more. He didn’t know what it was – perhaps simply the hope that she had been talking about. Or, perhaps, because he was finally making a decision of his own. He had the facts, he wasn’t influenced or ordered by anyone else. And he was going with his gut instinct.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah thoughtfully considered Kerridon's concerns for several long minutes, her eyes moving over him slowly as she assessed the situation. He was right of course, it would be very dangerous for him to leave Dark Phoenix's service... but really, she thought the danger no greater than the danger he faced by remaining in her service. At length, she spoke again.

"[blue]You were certainly fated to be placed in the proper house,[/blue]" she began, her mind coming up with plans and alternatives. "[blue]One option is to renounce your service and remain at Hogwarts. Move into the dormitory with Mister Darko and Mister Cooper. You are one year ahead of them, but the move can be easily enough arranged. They would remain close by to help protect you. It is unlikely Dark Phoenix would attempt to attack you while you are here in the school... and when the year ends, you would of course remain with the rest of us. I hope to keep us all together over the summer for safety's sake. Or... there is the option of leaving Hogwarts altogether. With your translation skills, I am certain the Order could find duties for you within the Monastery... being with my master and his monks is one of the safest places to be, outside of Hogwarts.[/blue]"

She shook her head as she began the last option, showing that she disagreed with it and that it was the option she supported the least. But, it was an option... and as such, should be given to him. "[blue]Your final option is to remain as a spy. Continue to act as though you serve the Mage and relay information back to us. Your new allegiance, of course, would have to remain a secret. I like this option the least because it is quite dangerous. I would far rather you changed sides discretely and simply discontinued your association with Dark Phoenix. There is another who changed sides after serving the Mage... naturally, I cannot reveal that individual's identity. But, if you wish to escape your servitude adn impending death at Dark Phoenix's hands, there are options. We will keep you as safely as we are able. In return, any information or intelligence you are able to offer would likely prove quite beneficial to our cause.[/blue]"

She looked up into his eyes before continuing. "[blue]You see? with every day we find or forge new ways to hope. There are always alternatives... you no longer need to feel trapped in your position.[/blue]"

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon stayed very still after he finished talking, waiting for a response. He had never considered that he might end up in this situation, discussing how best to end his service to the Mage. As D’rorah began speaking again, it became apparent that she was going to supply more than one option for him to choose from. More... choice. It was quite hard to get used to, really. He was so used to be told what to do, just following orders without thought, that he had to make a conscious effort to weigh out the pros and cons of each idea she offered.

“I do not wish to leave Hogwarts again just yet,” he told her to start with, dismissing the second option. Having only just returned recently, he wasn’t keen to do so again. He had found that he liked it at the school, enough so that he had been disappointed when Mordred called him out in Hogsmeade. Of course, he’d been even more disappointed to find that calling him out had been against orders, and that he would have to be tortured for that mistake. Perhaps he could go to China at some point in the future, but not right now. It would be an experience, either way.

Although the first option sounded the most logical, he could not help but dislike it. It would mean putting his trust in other people; two boys he did not really know except as the enemy. People who would seek to undermine his mistress’s goal. But... not the enemy anymore. How would they react to having to “protect” someone who had served the woman they likely hated most? He much preferred to only rely on himself, but that would likely have to change if he was switching sides like this.

So that left remaining a spy, the option D’rorah disliked the most. The thought of what Dark Phoenix would do to him when – no, if, she found out was enough to make his stomach turn. But he had to stop thinking as if she could do anything, or he’d end up losing his nerve. There was no guarantee that she would find out, but some precautions would be nice... “If I did choose to remain as a spy... Are there... barriers that could be put in place, to stop her from seeing certain things in my mind that would give me away?” If there were, then that would be the route he would take. From all he could make out, despite D’rorah’s certainty at eventually winning, the lightfighters needed all the help they could get.

As she looked him straight in the eyes, he felt a little weight fall off his shoulders at having made the decision to finally go against the Mage. He knew that, had she lived, his sister would probably have ended up doing exactly this, and the thought gave him a little comfort. Trapped was exactly what he had been – trapped without all the knowledge he should have had to make an informed decision. Trapped without the true ability to make a decision, not knowing that was a possibility. “Thank you.” The words were laced with gratitude, and he didn’t continue – she would know exactly what he was referring to.

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah's lips pursed slightly as Kerridon expressed that he would prefer, of the options, being a spy. She considered his question of mental barriers carefully upon being asked and was still thinking about the issue when he offered his thanks. She allowed herself a small smile.

"[blue]Mister Paradox, I should be thanking you. My ability to convince you of the logic my cause and the fact that it is just gives me more hope for things to come. I believe the saying 'hope begets hope' receives another layer of meaning when events such as this occur.[/blue]"

She glanced around again, using both her eyes and her mental abilities to see if anyone was nearby. Luckily, it seemed no one was even paying attention to their incredibly quiet conversation. It would have been unfortunate indeed if Kerridon's spying career was thwarted before it even began because someone noticed them talking. Feeling out the mental energies in the room, it seemed that they had chosen a section that was altogether deserted, luckily.

Satisfied that no one would happen upon them in their scheming, D'rorah turned her full attention back to the matter of mental barriers. As a telepath, she had extensive experience with mental barriers... both her own, and others. But Dark Phoenix was a unique entity... she was not a natural telepath, but a very accomplished legilimens. The real difficulty was that D'rorah would need to lock away Kerridon's thoughts while still giving him access to them. If they could merely be closed off, packed away without his needing to see them freely, it would be far easier.

"[blue]Given the needs of this situation, I recommend a combination of approaches regarding mental barriers,[/blue]" she began, returning to the question at hand. "[blue]I can set barriers in place, but as you require access to your mind, you will have to learn some degree of occlumency in order to ensure adequate protection of what is packed away... if the thoughts you have now were simply packed and locked away, even you would not be able to access them. And that would be quite unhelpful.[/blue]"

"[blue]Do you have any experience at all with mental barriers or with occlumency? I can place mental barriers for you... but it will be considerably easier with your help. And, as I said, we will want to combine those barriers with occlumency. If you really wish to be a spy, I cannot forbid it; however, I do encourage you to consider the other options. You will be putting yourself into a rather dangerous position as a spy. I would like to be able to assure any safety for you that I can.[/blue]"

[Kerridon Paradox]

Kerridon could see the slight displeasure as he expressed interest in being a spy – apparently, she would rather he took a less risky position. But if he was indeed swapping sides, and it appeared his mind was quite set on that path now, he might as well be of a distinct use to the lightfighters. And if it meant he didn’t have to interact with them as much, then all the better. Especially if he could avoid having to explain over and over again why he had switched. Avoiding any encounters with Keaira could hardly be a bad thing, either. He listened as she returned his thanks. He could understand why she was happy to have convinced him, but... thanking him? It was the most illogical thing she’d said today, as far as he was concerned.

He continued to wait as she glanced around, checking that no one else was near, and gave a quick scan of their surroundings himself. They were lucky that no one else had interrupted them so far, and would be even more fortunate if that continued until the end of the conversation. He had his doubts that it would, but for now he was just grateful that so much time had passed without interruption.

As she spoke of him needed access to his mind, Kerridon was taken back in time again to a time when he had attempted to block his own memories from himself. Suffice to say, he had not succeeded. He had not really been massively successful in his previous attempts at self-destruction, now he thought about it. And having not thought about it before, he had not thought of exactly why that might have been, until now.

“I know occlumency,” he confirmed, adding on the end, “and legilimency. My parents taught me, years ago.” Those lessons had been some of the worst, with so much access to his mind forced from him. So many memories and feelings, put on display to whoever was testing him at the time; be it his parents, grandfather, or some other stranger who was visiting his home at the time and was drafted into lesson time.

You could be stupid and still hear the displeasure in D’rorah’s voice, and Kerridon was certainly not stupid. He knew that she wasn’t keen on the idea of him becoming a counter-spy, but the other options really did not appeal. He would be at Hogwarts most of the time, anyway, and if he was careful and these mental barriers worked, he would not be in much more danger from Dark Phoenix than he would have been otherwise from the lightfighters. “I was a spy before, and forgive if I am mistaken, but you did not suspect me. You do not seem the type to trust others easily. I was taught for years in the best methods of how to deceive people, and so long as I do not have to keep encountering her then I should not be in much more danger than I was before.”

[D'rorah Philosophy]

D'rorah nodded grimly. "[blue]Yes, I suppose it is true enough that I did not suspect you as an agent of Dark Phoenix until you revealed yourself that day in Hogsmeade. Of course, I suppose that is because you were quite subtle and never directly acted against us. I need to know anything you may have told your old mistress.[/blue]"

She paused for a moment. "[blue]Not here, however. I feel our luck has held for too long already.[/blue]" They had been undiscovered and alone in this section for far too long. She counted on only a few moments more, not willing to risk the discovery of her new ally by lingering too long. She leaned in closer, placing a hand at the side of his neck, the touch allowing her easier access into his mind.

"[blue]Meet me tomorrow night, one hour after curfew, in the west tower. I will finish things there. The barriers I put in now will only serve temporarily.[/blue]" Her lips were right beside his ear as she whipered quietly, her voice barely more than a breath. She lingered for several moments as she deftly worked her way into his mind, seeking out the thoughts she required and carefully packing them away. She paid no attention to any external thoughts; however, she did see enough to convince her that his wish to change sides was indeed genuine. Kerridon's private memories, however, she considered his own and did not wish to intrude upon.

There was certainly darkness and much pain in his past. with a last burst of effort, she pushed those thoughts away lightly, wrapping them up in the barrier with the other thoughts. Finally, she pulled back, slightly breathless from the effort of working so quickly. "[blue]Sleep well, Mister Paradox. I shall see you tomorrow.[/blue]" Her eyes assessed him for a moment, confident that he would sleep well with her hasty mental barriers assisting with holding back his more unpleasant memories as well as the memories of their conversation here today.

Then, without another word, she spun on her heel and walked out of the store. Her pace and posture appeared as they always did, brisk but not rushed. She was certain Kerridon would know enough to continue his browsing and not leave too quickly after she did. A slight ringing of the doorbell at the front of the shop heralded her departure. Stealthily, she slipped into the passersby and made her way back out into Diagon Alley. Stopping in front of Ollivanders, she paused and disapparated, bound for the train platform in Hogsmeade. And, from there, a walk back to Hogwarts. The others would have to be discreetly informed of their new ally.