No Use (Finished)

[Susan Matthews]

For hours after curfew, Susan had lay in her four-poster staring into nothing, her mind refusing herself sleep. She had attempted sleep at several points during the night, and failed on every attempt. Sick of tossing and turning, she lightly lit the tip of her wand, holding it to the analog clock on the dresser next to her bed. Nearing three in the morning, Susan felt no point in lying any longer, waiting for sleep that would not come.

Careful as not to disturb the lucky sleeping girls along her dormitory, Susan extinguished her wand. In the dark, she silently found her slippers and slipped her wand into the waistband of her checked pajama shorts. She pulled the sleeves of her long-sleeved t-shirt over her palms and bit her lip as she tip toed around her peers’ belongings as well as her own as she left the dormitory. They truly should have been more organized they were, but with no one to enforce cleaning rules, dirty clothes and random outfits among other things lay scattered throughout the cluttered dorm.

Susan was significantly surprised when she managed to make it to the door without tripping. She turned around briefly. Seeing the other girl’s her age sleeping soundly. Probably dreaming of kisses in the rain and O’s on History of Magic essays, Susan envied them greatly. To be in a state of utter bliss, even only for a few moments was something to envy.

Sighing lightly, Susan left the dormitory and lit her wand as she entered the general common room. A few students had fallen asleep on the couches and in the arm chairs with books in their laps and miles of parchment before them. Susan took a seat next to a snoring third year on the largest most comfortable couch. Amateur. Susan thought. If he really wanted to get any work done he would have chosen the chair in the corner, Susan looked to the lumpy golden arm chair by the window. The chair was notorious for its uncomfortable lumps and bumps. Its placement by the window gave it a constant breeze of the cool air outside and it was often damp if the weather was foul. A chair like that was sure to keep you awake.

But now Susan did not need to study. She did not need to stay awake. Staying on the comfy couch for a while, Susan extinguished her wand once more in attempt to sleep right there, next the stranger with whom she shared houses with. She even tried closing her eyes in vain, but to no avail.

Fed up with no success, Susan angrily left the common room, waking the Fat Lady, not to mention the sleeping third year. Not sure where she was going at first, she wandered around for a moment, before deciding on the kitchens. When in doubt . . . eat. It was a horrible motto, but it always made Susan feel better. She was at a point where she no longer cared if she were to be caught by a teacher or a prefect. She walked with out conscious to the dungeons, imaging just what sort of snack she could ask the elves to cook up for her.

[ooc- I wrote it so you could already be in the kitchens or you could catch me in the halls, which ever you feel like writing =] )

[Caitlin Collins]

Caity, once again, couldn’t sleep. Sure, she was back at Hogwarts now, where she wanted to be, but that hadn’t made all her troubles go away. She was behind in lessons, needed to start learning the actual duties behind being a Shadow Warrior, and, of course, she hadn’t forgotten Mallan. On the outside she might be more composed, more back to her normal self, but whenever she dwelled too deeply on the matter of his suicide, the sadness could sometimes feel as though it was choking her. And that was what she was doing now. Lying awake in bed, thinking. Of him. Of why he had done what he did. She was sure there must be a reason, and sure it must be hidden in the letters he had written for, but she had yet to discover what exactly that reason was.

Finally giving up, she quietly climbed out of bed and dropped to a crouch on the floor, reaching underneath the four-poster and dipping one hand into her recently unpacked suitcase, searching for one particular item. Her fingers found it quickly, wrapping tightly around the small leather-bound book sent to her after Mallan's death as she pulled it out. The blood and tearstains were obvious even in the dim light of the moon and stars through the window - someone had apparently forgotten to pull the curtains closed before going to sleep. Getting to her feet again, she pulled on a pair of slightly tatty trainers and a too-large t-shirt over the pyjamas she was currently wearing and stealthily left the dormitory.

Glancing around the corridor outside, she saw no one about and wondered where best to go. In her prefect patrols she had found various places to go if she needed quiet, one of them being the elf kitchens. Those of the house elves who were awake did not disturb her except to offer food and drink, and to wake her in the morning if she did happen to fall asleep there.

Heading downwards, she entered the kitchens, greeting the house elves there with a small smile and accepting a glass of water to drink, then went to one of the opposite walls and slid down it, opening the book as she did so and beginning to read it yet again. She hadn’t been going for long before hearing a noise that definitely wasn’t a house elf scurrying about. The entrance swung open and before she realised what she was doing, Cait had her wand pointing at the newcomer. A moment later she recognised Susan and lowered it, a look of confusion upon her face. “Susan? What’re you doing here?” Technically, as a prefect, she should send the Gryffindor back to her dormitory. Should. But she wouldn’t. She needed to talk to someone and this seemed the perfect opportunity. The book was half hidden where she’d dropped it and she pushed it back against the wall with her foot so it was less obvious. Then again, the simple movement could have drawn attention to it. Hopefully not. Although maybe Susan might have some ideas on why Mallan killed himself. Suddenly realising she was self-doubting her decisions again – something that had been happening far too often lately – and stopped, waiting for a response from the other girl.

[Susan Matthews]

Deciding on a glass of milk and then some cookies if she felt like it, Susan roughly pushed open the door to the kitchens. Upon entering the house elves eagerly attended to her, she didn’t notice Caitlin until after a milk had been placed as her order. She turned slightly as Caitlin pointed her wand at her. Susan stepped back, surprised and alone now that the elves had rushed off. She hadn’t expected to see anyone else out this late, or early in the morning.

Caitlin seemed surprised to see her as well. Her eyes were drawn to the small book at Caitlin’s feet as it moved slightly across the floor. She didn’t say anything though. She recognized the fact that Caitlin was in fact a prefect and could have her sent back to her dormitory if she wished. Susan doubted it, but she didn’t want to risk ticking her off.

In response Susan simply shrugged and said, “Couldn’t sleep.” It was the truth, and maybe there was more to it, but for now Susan didn’t read too much into her own troubles. She looked to Caitlin and could tell she hadn’t been sleeping well either. “And it’s the same for you, I’m guessing?” Susan phrased as she found a place against the wall next to Caitlin. She was sure to sit on the side opposite the book, incase Caitlin didn’t want to share.

It had been awhile since they talked last. Susan’s thoughts were drawn to that day in the horror section of the library. Soon after the two girls had seen each other at D’rorah’s cleansing, but they hadn’t really a chance to talk. It was then that Susan had noticed something was up. It had been so long since she’d gotten to speak with her or any of the other lightfighters really.

“How are you?” Susan asked genuinely. She crossed her legs and turned to look over at Caitlin. She had noticed Mallan’s sudden absence, but regarded it as his training. She had counted though and he should have returned by now. Judging by Caitlin’s current state, Susan knew they had to have been close, but she wasn’t sure how to ask what happened. The small book returned to her mind, and she tried to look at it. The book was successfully hidden and Susan looked to Caitlin again, waiting for a response.

[Caitlin Collins]

Caity tucked her wand into her pocket and slid back down the wall, gesturing at the Gryffindor to come over – which she seemed to be doing anyway, incidentally.

“Couldn’t sleep. And it’s the same for you, I’m guessing?”

She nodded shortly, turning a little as Susan found a place next to her – luckily on the other side of the book. “Basically,” she replied. It was a mixture of not being able to sleep, and not wanting to sleep because of the nightmares. Since reading in the letter how Mallan had killed itself, her imagination had gone into graphic overdrive, showing it to her again and again at night. And her mind was preoccupied, so she couldn’t get to sleep. It was a mixture of the two really.

She hadn’t actually seen the other girl an awful lot recently – before she’d been taken out of school, that is. In fact, the last time she’d seen her was at Dee’s near-corruption, when the pair of them had taken on Keaira’s memories to perform their duties as Shadow Warriors. It had worked... sort of. Caitlin wasn’t completely certain how that had turned out for D’rorah.

“How are you?”

Now there was a loaded question. With everything that had been going on she was most definitely not okay, but nevertheless she was better than she had been. The definite lowest point recently had been receiving the letter, and the book that was currently hidden next to her, at breakfast; discovering Mallan was dead. That was closely followed by being taken out of school. And of course there was the disastrous Potions lesson, being teased by her brother for not being able to do his muggle homework, let alone her own, and the general bad mood that had followed her around. Little sleep, too. And... well, the list just went on and on.

“Um… I’ve been better,” she finally replied after a lengthy pause, not quite meeting Susan’s gaze in the eye. “You?” she followed up quickly with, not keen to dwell on her own current emotions. It was unlikely that the Gryffindor would just let it pass like that, especially considering her normal response was just a simple “good” or “okay”.

She noticed her trying to curl her gaze around her body to get a look at the book. So she had seen it. Doubtless it would come up at some point in the conversation then, Caity concluded with slight unhappiness. A thought came to her and she redirected her attention straight at Susan. “Have you been to that training place in China?” she asked suddenly, not giving any reasoning to her change in topic. She knew Keaira had been, and Dee, but she wasn’t really overly friendly with any of them. Maybe if Susan could shed some light about what it was like over there, she could begin to understand Mallan’s actions. And as far as Susan was concerned, she could just be thinking about going there herself.

[Susan Matthews]

Susan noticed as Caitlin avoided her eyes as she gave her reply. She had also noticed in the time they had been friends, she had always been a somewhat happy person. The “I’ve been better” that Caitlin supplied was an empty answer, revealing only that fact that she was not as happy as she had once been. Susan raised her brows, ready to question her answer, to ask for more insight on her response.

Before she could phrase her retaliation, Caitlin had thrown the question back at her. Susan stuttered for a moment, prepared to say “how do you mean?” and changing it quickly to a short, “fine.” Susan dropped her gaze directed to Caitlin as she could feel all the things left unsaid between them.

Simultaneously, as Susan looked away, Caitlin directed her whole attention to Susan and asked about training in China. Susan was caught off guard again at the sudden change in subject. The last to travel to China being Mallan, she was reminded of the gallant young man. So she has been thinking of Mallan, Susan affirmed herself.

She turned to Caitlin once more, prepared to answer negatively, but was distracted by the sudden appearance of a house elf bringing her milk. Susan thanked the elf and watched as he bowed deeply and left the room almost as quickly as he had come. As soon as the door had closed behind the small creature, Susan returned her attention to Caitlin.

“No,” she said simply in response. Apparently it was some big secret as to how the training goes over there. Susan had never truly asked about it to any of the other lightfighters before. “Why do you ask?” Susan wondered; she was a little afraid of what Caitlin had heard. Susan recalled the connotations associated with the memory Keaira had shared with her the night they had last been together.

She did not receive any specific images, or straight forward thoughts, but she was aware of the difficulty of the training and the sense of foreboding associated with what she had learned while Keaira had been through the training. For now Susan could only imagine what D’rorah, Keaira, and Mallan had gone through . . . or were going through as far as Susan knew. She watched Caitlin, knowing the sudden change in topic had something to do with the small book, but unable to make any connection.

[Caitlin Collins]

((It's pretty late here, so some of this may be rambling a bit. Just a forewarning.. ))

Anyone who happened to be in the room would be able to feel the unspoken tension and slight awkwardness between the two girls as all the thoughts that were spinning around in their heads of what the other might be thinking remained there, not daring to come out verbally into the big wide world of the elf kitchens.

”Fine,” Susan replied, in just as non-committal an answer as Caity herself had given. Although really, it was the kind of reply that she herself would give if she was feeling okay. Caitlin wasn’t a particularly outgoing person when it came to sharing how she was feeling, so it was really pretty surprising that she had admitted as much as she had.

Having asked the question about China, the awkwardness suddenly came back to her and she avoided eye contact again, glancing up once when the house elf approached with a glass of milk for Susan. It reminded her of her own water which she hadn’t touched since setting it down beside her. Picking it up again she sipped slowly at it, feeling a little refreshed as she swallowed. That was definitely one advantage of being the Shadow Warrior of Water; just drinking what she needed to anyway could calm her down. Strange how she was supposed to have some sort of power over water – what was it called? Elemental Magic? She’d seen Gat display his own abilities, and wasn’t she supposed to be able to do something like that? Putting it aside for now, she turned back half in the direction of Susan as she replied.

“No. Why do you ask?”

“I – “ she began, not really sure what she was going to say. She didn’t particularly want to bring up the subject of Mallan unless the conversation went that way – which it seemed to be anyway, but that was besides the point. “I just... wanted to know, what it’s like,” she finally came up with. Technically, she was speaking the truth. She had wanted to know what it was like, if not for the reasons she might have accidently-on-purpose implied just now that she might be thinking of going there. Putting aside the fact her parents had forbidden her to go anywhere near China after hearing what had happened to the last person had gone to train there, it would appear to be a logical and reasonable idea for Caity to be considering it. So long as the person didn’t think too deeply and wonder why she wanted to go so soon to the place of Mallan’s death. Not knowing that Susan had no idea about this fact, she simply hoped that the Gryffindor would accept the implication at face value and not realise the flaws that were so obvious to her. That place was dangerous, and she had no intentions of visiting it for any sort of training.

But the question was, what had Mallan found so difficult about it all that Dee and Keaira had been able to handle, yet he hadn’t? That had to be some sort of difference, some other factor that would explain his actions. Was it even the training, or was it just coincidence that he was there at the time when he killed himself? Or a mixture of the training and something else? Whatever it was, it seemed she wasn’t going to get any more information from Susan if she hadn’t been there either. Searching for a topic to come up with, she began to despair as her thoughts did little to progress. Being both inside and underground, she couldn’t even call on the simple topic of weather to comment on. Remembering how cut off she’d felt while at home with no contact to magic, she eventually came up with a subject to talk about. “Did I miss much while I was away?” she inquired, assuming that Susan would know the reason why she’d been away – even though there was no logical reason that Susan would know that bit of information.

[Susan Matthews]

[ooc- ahh ditto, I know what you mean]

Susan kept her hands wrapped around the cold glass of milk. Although the castle, especially the kitchens, was chilled, her palms were sweating and the coldness of her beverage was oddly refreshing. She sipped quietly at her milk, wishing she had said more on the subject of China. Susan could only nod in agreement as Caitlin explained that she simply wanted to know more. Susan understood that part at least.

There was a strong part of her that longed to know what part of the story she was missing. Although she probably shouldn’t, Susan felt pangs of envy sear through her being as she thought of what she knew the others knew and she didn’t. There was the other half, however, that claimed ignorance is bliss. But was it truly ignorance, if one knew there was more?

Susan looked up as conversation took another turn. Susan thought for a moment for the answer to Caitlin’s inquisition to if she had missed much. Not much had happened as far as Susan could recall. She remembered the couple weeks ago that Caitlin’s parents had pulled her out of school, similar to Alessandro. She was just glad Caitlin had come back with all of her memory.

Susan felt the jealousy rear up again, knowing that the reason Caitlin had been absent from school was because her parents had not allowed her to return. Susan tried to imagine her own family doing the same and couldn’t. They hadn’t written in over a month, but she truly couldn’t complain. It went both ways actually, and Susan hadn’t made the effort yet to write either.

What would her parents say if she told them she was supposed to fight a war? That she would ultimately die? It was a big enough shock that their little girl was a witch, now she was a freak of a witch. What would her sister say? Oh God, Susan stopped herself before she could begin to fathom what sort of feeling-hurting ridiculousness her sister could cook up.

Returning back to the conversation at hand, Susan just shook her head negatively, unable to supply the words to form a reply. The whole conversation felt oddly formal. Susan wanted to scream, to cry, to laugh hysterically, anything relieve the stiff air between Susan and the girl she considered her friend.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re out of the loop?” Susan asked in all seriousness, referring back to the topic of the training in China. She placed her glass of milk on the floor next to her, no longer able to drink and no longer comforted by the cool of the glass. Caitlin was her friend, Susan reassured herself. She would begin speaking to her as if she were her friend. Susan planned to be rid the air of the uncomfortable awkwardness that had no purpose other than to form barriers, barriers that should be broken.

[Caitlin Collins]

Had she possessed the power of telepathy and been able to hear Susan’s thoughts on ‘ignorance is bliss’, Caity would doubtless have thought back to the time she had bought a new wand and ended up having lunch with D’rorah. The phrase had come to mind then, and she had, for once, agreed with it and finally understood it. Although she would much rather have not been a Shadow Warrior and stayed unaware of this whole war, now she was involved she couldn’t afford or allow herself to ignore it. As it was, though, she didn’t have that particular ability so her mind did not actually follow this train of thought.

On the contrary, Caity was becoming increasingly aware of how awkward this situation was. What was the matter with her? She was usually a little shy, but not to the extent that she couldn’t even talk in a relaxed manner to her own friends. Seeing Susan shake her head in the negative, Cait felt a little let down by the non-verbal answer. Gone for a month, and nothing had happened? Nothing at all that needed mentioning? It seemed her worries about being left out of something important and coming back to not knowing what was going on were in vain – probably lucky for her, but still. Nothing?

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re out of the loop?” Susan asked, with Caitlin not realising she was referring to China. As it was, a general question, she felt she could relate to that enormously. All the time she had been away, with no contact, had been driving her crazy. Not to mention her fairly new status as a Shadow Warrior. She was pretty much the newest to the group. There was Mallan, who’d joined about the same time as her, but... no. He didn’t count any more. And Zee had been just before, but really she hated to notice any similarities between herself and the Slytherin after what he had done to Dylan.

“Yes,” she replied, then, also wanting to be rid of this awkwardness, continued, “a lot of the time since coming here.” Remembering all the different situations she had experienced that, she attempted to pick out the most prominent. Perhaps if she made an effort to share her feelings it might spur the conversation into life. “This last month especially. My parents took away my wand, wouldn’t let me contact any of you guys,” she explained, her mouth twisting for a moment in thought before continuing. “I didn’t know what was going on, if anyone else had been hurt, killed... They completely cut me off from the wizarding world,” she went on miserably, remembering the depression that had settled on her for at least two weeks after first getting home that was a result of both not accessing magic and Mallan’s death. It had been a bad time for her, especially with all the stress of “normal”, muggle school. It had taken her that long to finally regain the energy that seemed to have deserted her for a while and work on getting back to Hogwarts.

After a pause, she continued. “Finding out about the Headmistress, too. And when I first found out about everything, it was like everyone knew what was going on except me. And... Gat. What they want to do, they’re all agreed apart from me. Like being separated from them, as if I’m not supposed to be a Shadow Warrior,” she confided slowly, staring straight ahead and occasionally taking a sip from the water to encourage herself. She wasn’t sure what Susan actually thought concerning the Elemental Master of Water so it was fairly uncomfortable saying that aloud. There was more she could say on the subject of that boy, such as that she planned to seek him out and persuade him herself when she got the chance; and that she simply would not allow him to be killed by them. There had been far too much hurt already in this Shadow War. He had friends, family. She couldn’t let them go through the same she had already gone through when it came to Mallan. Not only that, but he was the same age as her. You cannot just kill a 16-year-old for being misguided to the wrong side. But she couldn’t risk Susan siding with the other lightfighters – after all, she’d been there longer than Caity along with the rest of them, probably knew how things worked better.

Although, she hadn’t seen him in a while. Not since the time in Hogsmeade, and that was months ago, before Christmas. Before she’d even found out about being a Shadow Warrior. It couldn’t be a good sign. “Have you seen Gat since Hogsmeade?” she asked cautiously. “Actually, are there any other people who aren’t here who should be?” she asked, thinking that perhaps she should try and find out more about the other inhabitants of Hogwarts. Maybe Susan had noticed something but hadn’t thought it important enough to mention, or just expected her to know. People had a habit of doing that, really. Expecting her to know things she’d never been told before. Her mum, actually, did that a lot. She’d noticed it over the last month at home, and had never got on with her worse than that time. She half-suspected that was why they’d allowed her to come back.

[Susan Matthews]

Susan let out a soft sigh of relief as Caitlin committed to speaking. Her question had initiated conversation after all. She also found herself relieved at the similarity of feeling separated from the others, or at least as Susan perceived it. She kept returning to the very first conversation she’d had with D’rorah. When she explained the lightfighter business, Susan remembered D’rorah separating her from the others. Her exact words had been "Pardon me for saying so, but you simply do not seem the type,". Although made as politely as possible these few words held so much power over Susan.

Susan hated to be separated from the crowd. She would have been happy going with the flow and living an insignificant, but pleasant life. Everything was going to plan until her Hogwarts letter came, setting her apart from her family. Soon after, she was made to be a Shadow Warrior, setting her apart from the other students. Even as a Shadow Warrior who had not suffered the trauma that the others had endured, she was set apart from the other lightfighters.

Susan listened as Caitlin revealed her feelings. She broadened her thinking as Caitlin extended her meaning of China, or perhaps never truly understood. Susan felt her stomach tighten in sympathy upon hearing how Caitlin’s parents had treated her. “I’m sorry, I had no idea it was like that,” Susan said truthfully. She could only image the horrible effort it would take to begin fitting in again at her sister’s school in the states. She found her stomach twisting even more in the false stress.

Susan watched Caitlin as she continued to name the other times she had felt left out. First was the headmistress’ affiliation. Susan nodded in agreement, remembering when Keaira had mentioned it on a whim, assuming that she already knew. As other times were mentioned, Susan could connect in fairly the same way. It seemed they had gone through the same things, just at different times. Then the conversation came to Gat.

What a controversial topic Gat Soldier was. Apart from classes, there were only a few times Susan had truly spoken with him before his proclaimed his allegiance to the mage. Truthfully, if Susan hadn’t known him through the Shadow Wars, she would have thought him a very thoughtful and kind boy. She’d spoken with him once . . . she struggled to remember the details. So much had happened between then and now. It was by the whomping willow! Susan was able to recollect. There had been a certain word to describe him. What was it? Susan struggled to remember.

Fighting to draw upon the word that would epitomize Gat Soldier, Susan was reminded of his relationship with Ariana. Ariana and Susan had been good friends before her sudden departure from Hogwarts. After Ariana left, Susan hadn’t seen much of Gat at all, coming to Caitlin’s most recent question. “I haven’t seen him, actually,” Susan voiced her thoughts. She wasn’t sure what Caitlin meant by others who had gone missing, but could only assume they had also allied with the mage.

“Aside from that one day in Defense, I always remembered Gat as a nice guy,” Susan said softly. She regretted her words, knowing she was supposed to side with the other lightfighters. Gat was supposed to die. They were supposed to kill him. It was for the good of the universe. Wasn’t it? It seemed Gat’s destiny had been decided before he had had any say in it. On thinking about it, Susan couldn’t remember herself taking a side either. As far as she could remember, Gat’s death had only been pending. It was only a matter of time. And then the word came to her. Poetic. “Gat Soldier was always poetic,” Susan whispered slightly, unaware that she had just done so.

[Caitlin Collins]

As she spoke, Caity found that the slightly uncomfortable air to their conversation lifted partly, making it feel more relaxed and normal. Normal? Yeah right. Since when was anything normal at Hogwarts? Nothing had ever been normal since finding out she was a witch.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea it was like that.”

She shrugged with little movement, thinking back to all those times she had been so desperate to have a link to the magical world, her world. “They thought it would keep me safe,” she shook her head slowly, the tiniest hint of contempt resonating in her voice. “Said it was dangerous, would hurt me. It’s not like it ever hurt me in India,” she tried to reason, needing to get it out of her system somehow. At least by telling Susan, there was almost a null chance of it getting back to her parents. She was always very cautious when talking negatively about other people on the off chance they found out and were hurt by it, unlike many of her peers who would happily gossip away all day if they could. “I mean, there it was like a safety net when I went into the slums or out at night. I could use magic to protect myself, and my brothers. Even though they hated relying on me,” she grinned slightly, her face then taking a grimmer expression once again as the words reminded her of Andrew’s constant resentment.

On the contrary, Jake (her youngest brother) was fine, he loved magic. Was always wanting her to show off each new charm she learnt, and had especially loved the patronus. In fact, would she even be able to cast a patronus anymore? If she couldn’t do a simple tergeo spell correctly, what hope was there for that spell. Especially in her current, pretty depressed state. The clearest happy memories she had in her head were with Mallan, yet she couldn’t use them without thinking of his death, which was just a downward spiral of thoughts for her. And which was what was happening in her mind right now as she contemplated it. Dead, gone not coming back, ever...

Closing her eyes momentarily she wiped her mind and expression clean, but not completely getting rid of the troubled look on her face.

“I haven’t seen him, actually. Aside from that one day in Defense, I always remembered Gat as a nice guy. ”

“Defence?” Caity questioned, trying to remember. It had been just before she’d joined Hogwarts, she thought, and someone had probably mentioned it. It did sound familiar. “What happened?”

“Gat Soldier was always poetic,” Susan continued, apparently lost in thought. From what Caitlin had seen of him, that was not a description she would really apply to him. She felt a little left out, just as she had been describing earlier, having come to Hogwarts last of all the lightfighters except, again, Mallan... Crap. Not again... she thought, feeling the waves of grief come over her again and having to push them away, again. She’d gotten used to just pushing it away whenever the topic came up in her head or otherwise, and wasn’t aware of all the pressure that was building up. She’d never been particularly good at confronting her emotions.

“Apart from China, how much training have you done? Any?” she asked, half-hoping that the answer would be ‘none’. At least then she wouldn’t be alone, however selfish or stupid it may be. “’Cause... I need to. Train, that is. I know I’m a Shadow Warrior, and I’ve got the memories of the chanting from Keaira, but other than that... nothing.” A new thought came to her, one that hadn’t come up before when her mind was on Mallan. She now had no one to “anchor her emotions”, whatever that meant. And she couldn’t bond with Gat, especially if he wasn’t even at the school any more. “Do I definitely need an Elemental Master?” she inquired, biting her lip again. Would what had happened to D’rorah happen to her as well now Mallan was gone? But... what if that had been what caused him to kill himself? He hadn’t been particularly coherent in that last letter, and she had seen the frequent mention of “three”. Was that referring to the pressure of dealing with both her own and Dee’s minds as well as his own? But... that would mean it was partly her fault. Mostly her fault; he’d already bonded with Dee. She had agreed to it without knowing what the consequences might be. But it was all still hypothetical, really. She just didn’t know... Feeling her stomach plummeting again, she couldn’t completely restrict the feelings this time, and unbeknownst to her, her face fell.

[Susan Matthews]

Susan listened carefully as Caitlin depicted her time in India. She couldn’t remember Caitlin ever specifically saying she had stayed in India, Susan supposed she had heard it somewhere and melded into her mind. Either way, Susan found she couldn’t really relate. The way Caitlin described using magic freely within her family, Susan waited for how her family reacted. It seemed Caitlin used her magic, or at least wanted to when she was at home. Susan tried to imagine herself using magic at home and couldn’t. It would be too weird. Her parents liked to think of Hogwarts as a sort of boarding school, and her sister never let her live it down.

Susan blinked, trying to understand what it was like for Caitlin. She didn’t have to dwell on her empathy for long as the conversation turned to Gat. Caitlin had asked about Gat in Defense. It must have been just before she transferred, Susan realized. “I don’t remember the lesson,” Susan explained, recounting the story, “nor the conflict, come to think of it,” Susan struggled to remember the reason behind the encounter. “Any how, Gat threw a sectumsempra curse at Alessandro, ruining his hair cut and almost hitting Dylan.” Susan smiled gently remembering how vain Alessandro had acted, so proud of his long locks of hair. “Alessandro had a fit,” Susan explained her reminiscent smile, “he loved his hair, you could ask him!” Susan added forgetting for a moment his condition. “Probably wouldn’t remember, though,” Susan added as a downcast after thought.

“That was the real turning point,” Susan continued. “I think it was around that time that Gat joined the mage,” Susan realized for the first time, “Before then, he had been just like the rest of us.” Susan wished she could have gone back to those days. She hadn’t spoken with Gat much, as they were of opposing houses, but she could have made the effort. Had she tried a little harder, maybe she could have saved Gat from his affiliation with the mage? Was it all hopeless? Could he be converted back? Susan’s mind whirred with the thought that maybe Gat could be saved, but somewhere deep within her she knew all the thinking would do little to help Gat.

As Caitlin asked about her training, Susan revealed a look of guilt. “D’rorah taught me the first form back before Christmas, and I’ve practiced with Dylan some,” Susan said, wishing she had practiced more lately. “I haven’t worked with Dylan since his incident with Zane,” she continued regretfully. If he had been like her, they both needed to catch up soon. Between Dylan’s trouble with his step brother and the run-in with Zane, he hadn’t been up for practicing physically or mentally. Susan, on the other hand, had no excuse other than sheer laziness.

Her thinking was challenged further as Caitlin questioned her need for an Elemental Master. Susan thought for a moment before replying, “I’m not really sure how it all works.” She wished she had more of an answer, all she knew was her connection with Dylan was an essential part of her being a Shadow Warrior and him being her Elemental Master. She pitied Caitlin, for her lack of a relationship with her Elemental Master, but as far as Susan knew she was still bonded with Mallan. “You have Mallan for now though, right?” Susan added with a smile, hoping to be encouraging, to uplift Caitlin’s dark disposition.

(ooc- You know Mallan had to come up sometime!)

[Caitlin Collins]

((Oh, I was expecting it ))

Suddenly realising how strange it must sound to Susan – her being able to use magic freely out of school – she explained a little more. “In India, the magical movement is only just beginning to become organised. There aren’t any school like Hogwarts, that’s why I was tutored. But it also means there’s no law about not using magic outside of lessons or in public. Pretty fun, really,” she half-grinned, remembering some of the tricks she’d played with her friends on innocent muggle bystanders or, more often, her brothers. It had been just after they’d moved there and she’d soon been found it by her parents and Vijay and forced to stop, but it had been fun while it lasted.

“I don’t remember the lesson, nor the conflict, come to think of it. Any how, Gat threw a sectumsempra curse at Alessandro, ruining his hair cut and almost hitting Dylan. Alessandro had a fit, he loved his hair, you could ask him! Probably wouldn’t remember, though. That was the real turning point, I think it was around that time that Gat joined the mage. Before then, he had been just like the rest of us.”

“Sectumsempra?” Cait repeated dully, all hints of a smile gone. She had heard of that spell; knew it was serious dark arts. There was the confirmation that the lightfighters were right – Gat was dangerous and mixed up in bad magic, and was buried far too deeply in it for any sort of salvation to be even partly easy. But if he was normal before, surely that posed a hope of redemption. She’d just have to try, however it turned out. “Still no luck with Alessandro, then?” she commented grimly, not really as a question. “I didn’t like to ask him when I saw him before,” she added.

Susan seemed a little guilty when mention was made of training, Caitlin noticed. Did she think she wasn’t doing enough? Because however much she was doing, it was more than she herself was doing.

“D’rorah taught me the first form back before Christmas, and I’ve practiced with Dylan some. I haven’t worked with Dylan since his incident with Zane.”

“First form? What’s that?” Caity inquired, feeling even more ignorant than ever. She really needed to start finding out more about all this. But who would teach her? D’rorah always seemed busy, and to be honest was more than a little intimidating. Susan had said she hadn’t trained with Dylan recently, so he was probably out, and there was no chance of being trained by her own Elemental Master. She didn’t need to know any more about sectumsempra than she already did, with the possible exception of how to best heal it. She didn’t really know or see Keaira much, and Alessandro probably wouldn’t remember any of it. And Zee... she just couldn’t see that happening.

“I’m not really sure how it all works. You have Mallan for now though, right?”

Hearing Susan’s words, Caitlin froze momentarily. She turned to look at Susan, a bubbling mess of emotions beating her spirit into a bloody pulp, and clearly visible on her face. She’s smiling... the astonished thought came through. Most prominent was surprise and shock, closely followed by sadness and grief. Then there was the look of hurt with some anger mixed in, and the tiniest hint of betrayal. Like a recipe gone wrong, but one that would result in something altogether less wholesome than a freshly baked loaf of bread or a steaming, well-spiced curry.

What...? How can she say... doesn’t she...? No, she must know. Someone must have told her. She can’t still think...

Her gaze slowly drifted up to the ceiling and she rested the top of her head on the wall, sliding down a little as she did so. It was a huge effort to keep her face vaguely of an expression that might be described as neutral. There was no smile on her face, and if you looked close enough you would be able to see that she was biting the inside of her lip – rather painfully, really – in an effort to distract herself from the emotions that were bubbling up, again. Bringing her head down, she turned it away and closed her eyes, then spoke. “You don’t know.” It could have classed as a question if not for the lack of tone in her voice. “No one’s told you. Dylan, D’rorah, Ke – none of them have told you in the last month?” she demanded, the mixed emotions showing through her trembling voice. Anger, frustration, and mostly, sadness. How could they have just left Susan in ignorance like this? How could they – how could Dylan, who had seen how she reacted when the news came, who had been the one to comfort her – how could he have left it to her to explain?

“He’s... Mallan...” she attempted, gulping back the lump that had appeared in her throat. Every time she said his name, she was reminded of what could have been, what might have happened, and it tore through her, much as Dark Phoenix might wish to literally tear the lightfighters’ hearts out. Would that be anywhere near as painful as this? Probably, but in a lesser sense. That would be physical, and over quickly. This was mental chaos, dragging on and on and refusing to leave her to mourn in peace. Without warning, Caitlin stood, knocking over the glass of water which spilled onto the floor, barely missing the book that contained Mallan’s last thoughts.

With her back to Susan, Caity finally gathered the courage she need to speak those words aloud, that choked her up, ripping violently at her every time. “He’s not coming back,” she said quickly, then, after a fairly long pause, elaborated at an ever faster pace. “He’s dead.” There it was – the tearing, ripping, shredding of her insides. She raised both hands to her face and wiped her eyes, forgoing any possible tears. “Killed himself and I don’t bloody know why.” The last sentence was barely a whisper, muffled as it was spoken into her hands, yet was still just about audible.

[Susan Matthews]

Susan nodded absentmindedly, trying to understand the differences between her small hometown in the states and the exotic India, Caitlin described for her. It wasn’t as if she didn’t care, it was just hard to imagine. Susan kept up her nod as Caitlin took in the gravity of Gat’s actions. She felt a little like a bobble head and stopped suddenly.

Looking up as Caitlin phrased the rhetorical question about Alessandro, Susan didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t had a chance to formally speak with him other than the brief “hello” before classes. She doubted he’d want to speak for long with her without knowing their previous relationship. Based on what he’d seen of her since he’d returned, she was one of the chanting girls at D’rorah’s cleansing. She wasn’t exactly the epitome of a good friend at the moment.

As Caitlin asked about the forms they were all required to learn, Susan spoke up while she had something she knew how to talk about. “I’ve only learned one,” she began, “but a form is a set of defensive and offensive martial arts movements paired together in a dance-like motion.” Hoping she was explaining it well, Susan tried to explain a little further, “Once you know the moves, it’s easy to see how they fit into hand-to-hand combat.” “I could show you what I know sometime,” Susan offered, willing to help, and realizing her own need for practice.

After she had uttered her comment on Mallan, Susan expected to catch a glimpse of happiness from Caitlin. She imagined her laughing, or pulling out a joke to share. She was not prepared for the look of devastation that became Caitlin’s visage as Mallan’s name left her own lips. Susan felt her previous smile melt off her face as a look of utter confusion plastered itself to her face. “You don’t know,” Caitlin had stated amazed.

She watches as Caitlin’s voice revealed the other’s names. All of them were her friends, supposedly, and not one of them had shared this unknown piece of information with her. “What don’t I know?” Susan asked fiercely, as a mixture of fear and anger brewed in the pit of her stomach.

The worst of the names mentioned was Dylan. Her throat caught as she failed to come up with a reasonable excuse that Dylan would keep something from her. They were supposed to share everything. Susan recalled the last time they had kept secrets from each other and it had only resulted in discomfort.

Susan listened intently as Caitlin struggled to relate to her what was going on. Nervously, Caitlin had stood up, knocking over her glass of water. Looking from the book that was now revealed, to the spilt water that spread across the floor, to Caitlin’s back, Susan tried to fathom what was coming, but couldn’t.

“He’s not coming back,” Caitlin told her quickly, refusing to turn around. “Not coming back?” Susan repeated quietly, not understanding. Was there another school in China, that he would be attending? We’re they all being transferred over there? We’re Caitlin and Mallan no longer bonded? Susan struggled as she tried to grasp the concept Caitlin was attempting to relay to her.

“He’s dead,” Caitlin said. Susan felt her heart drop, and her breath catch as the news was finally made evident. For a moment Susan didn’t breathe, not knowing what to do or how to feel. Susan looked up at her friend’s back, watching as she sobbed violently. Susan easily recalled the said boy’s strong features and warm personality. Gone.

Susan gently closed her eyes, forcing herself to breathe as she ran her fingers through her hair. Susan opened her eyes at once as she heard Caitlin called it suicide. “Oh, Cait,” Susan said sadly, feeling her own tears beginning to form. Standing also, and stepping right past the small book and through the spilled water, she came around to the other side of Caitlin.

“I’m sorry,” she said as her own tears began to fall with Caitlin. She placed her hands on Caitlin’s shoulders, attempting to brace her, to be strong for her, but ended up enveloping her in a loose hug. She didn’t fully feel the discomfort of her soggy slippers, only the few salty tears that left her eyes were evident to her as she hugged Caitlin.

[Caitlin Collins]

Caity listened attentively as Susan described the forms – or, singular, form – that she’d been taught by Dee. It sounded difficult, and she said so. “How hard is it really?” she asked tentatively. “I’ve never done martial arts or anything before...” she admitted, hoping prior knowledge wasn’t needed to learn these forms.

“I could show you what I know sometime.”

“That’d be good,” she replied with gratitude, “thanks.” The sooner she started learning, the better for everyone. There were probably books in the library about elemental magic and the like, so she could look at them to find out more as well. Although going back to the Room of Requirement would not be pleasant. She had few good memories of that place – bonding with Mallan, and that was about it. And even then, she would be reminded of what had become of him, which turned it into a more sickly memory; bittersweet. Just thinking about going into the room where she’d discovered his death brought a grim dread to her stomach. It was a feeling she hated, but it was instinctive, and she couldn’t stop it.

She didn’t reply to Susan’s interruptions, not really hearing them. Well, she heard them, but didn’t care enough to process them; too lost in her own broken shell, trying to find a way out, an escape pod built into the system. None came to her attention and she was forced to struggle on.

”Oh, Cait,” Susan spoke, and that Caitlin did hear. The raw emotion in the Gryffindor’s voice reminded her so much of herself and her own feelings towards it that she half-choked on a sob barely restrained. She heard the shuffle behind her as Susan also stood, moving towards her slightly shaking form. ”I’m sorry,” she continued, finally enveloping Caitlin in a comforting hug somewhat marred by the tears she could feel coming from the other girl’s eyes. Had it not been for Susan’s reaction to the news, she might have been able to hold herself together, at least outwardly, until she was in the privacy of an empty classroom or her bed. That all went down the drain when she was hugged, and her body decided that being comforted meant she could fall apart all over again, just as she had over Dylan. The tears began to leak from her eyes again, even though she had previously thought there couldn’t be any left to flow down her cheeks after the last month and a half, in a steady flow with one after the other. She didn’t make much noise as she cried again, an action that had become far too familiar recently, sniffling occasionally and continuing to hug Susan, as if subconsciously realising that she needed support as well but not actually processing it.

She wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but slowly became aware that she was standing in a puddle of water from where the glass she had knocked over had deposited its contents. Then, with a sudden burst of realisation, she realised the book was still on the floor, among that water. Water, and parchment, and ink. The ink would run, the parchment would fall apart. A small burst of strength entered her limbs and she turned, twisting down to ground as did so and scooping up the leather book. It was indeed damp, she could feel that as soon as she touched it. The water had spread into a thinner, more even layer across the floor, meaning that it covered a wider area, including that by the book. Climbing to her feet, she flicked open the pages quickly. That was strange... she could have sworn they had been wet a few seconds ago, a few of them even sodden. Including the last pages, with the blood and tear splatters. Those had looked particularly bad. She turned them and watched, astonished, as the parchment dried before her. She wasn’t doing anything except holding it and hoping the water wouldn’t spoil it. So how was the water just doing exactly as she wanted by drying up and not leaving any marks or spoils?

Realising she must still look a state, she kept one book holding the book and used the other to wipe her face, trying to clear away the tear tracks and the blotchy skin on her cheeks and immediately beneath her eyes.

[Susan Matthews]

Susan held Caitlin as the both of them cried, Caitlin more violently so. Her thoughts rushed around all the opportunities the others might have had to tell her. How long ago did this happen? Susan wondered, but didn’t dare ask. She tried to remember the last time she’d seen Mallan, spoken to him, and couldn’t. She took the next best thing, when had been the last time someone had spoken of him? Susan racked her mind, willing her slow tears to cease.

She remembered suddenly the last time they had all been together in the Room of Requirement. Keaira had simply said Mallan wouldn’t be coming. Did the others know then too? Was he already gone? Her thoughts swirled around in her head as she fought to remember, to come up with a reason that she had been the last to know. Surely there had to be a reason, Susan tried to convince herself.

How many had been lost to the wars, Susan began to count. There was Mordred and Wysteria, Alessandro was not the same, Gat was on the wrong side, and D’rorah had been severely hurt. Now Mallan was gone. Susan sobbed gently as she fathomed who might be next.

It was sudden when Caitlin pulled away. Susan was quite prepared to let go and found herself stumbling slightly as Caitlin quickly snatched up the book they had left behind momentarily. Susan gently wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt as she came to stand next to Caitlin.

“Look,” Susan said quietly, pointing as a completely smeared page renewed itself. “Are you doing that?” Susan asked, watching as the soggy pages of the journal slowly dried themselves at Caitlin’s will. Despite the circumstances, Susan smiled slightly, recognizing her small elemental abilities. Susan herself, hadn’t been able to do much. Occasionally she’d managed to bring up a few flowers in the Elemental Room of Earth, but nothing beyond simple tasks.

Looking at the pages as Caitlin turned them slowly. A distinct scrawl marked each and every one of them. “Who’s is that?” Susan asked looking at the journal in Caitlin’s hands. From her angle, she couldn’t quite make out what each page said, but the way Caitlin held the journal she knew it was significant. Something told her the journal belonged to Mallan, but she didn’t want to assume so without hearing from Caitlin first.