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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Mar 25, 2010 13:03:44 GMT -5
D'rorah blinked and looked over at Kang as he congratulated her. She had just been upset with him a moment ago... what had they been discussing? Oh Light... she was going to die... she couldn't even lead a group of teenagers at Hogwarts and suddenly Master Xiu thought she was fit to be a Master? She had heard of how dangerous the test was... she had heard of those who thought themselves prepared for the test who had been proven wrong... and had died for their mistaken estimation of themselves.
She sat there silently for several minutes, lost inside herself as the normal noises of dinner began, slightly amplified by conversation about the half-corrupted Shadow Warrior who would soon join the ranks of leadership of the monastery. Finally, she emerged from her self-imposed isolation and looked at Kang with clear eyes. [blue]"I am angry with you,"[/blue] she said quietly. [blue]"The time when I most needed your help just to survive everything that had happened... and you instead attempted to treat me as another of your playthings,"[/blue] she said. [blue]"And of course I panicked, given everything that had just happened,"[/blue] she added, her stomach turning at the memory. Her voice was an emotionless monotone as she spoke... only in her eyes could be seen the sense of betrayal she felt.
She looked down at her plate and pushed it away. With a slight shake of her head, she rose from her seat and turned to head out of the hall. She'd had enough to think about for one day, after all. Hopefully no one would notice her departure... which was the one benefit of being placed at the back of the room. She didn't have to walk through everyone to leave the dining hall.
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 4, 2010 12:32:07 GMT -5
D'rorah looked a little dazed as she looked across at him upon his congratulations. Despite her normal emotionless expression still being in place, Kang could see something wasn't right. She seemed almost... frightened. He was well aware of the dangers of the Master's test and to be honest, if he had been chosen for it – which he never would anyway as far as he was concerned, what with his track record of disobeying authority – he would probably be a bit nervous. But this was D'rorah... she had been in positions of leadership for years... this was just the next step. [teal]"D'rorah?"[/teal] he asked quietly when she didn't respond and instead remained silent, but otherwise said nothing more, giving her time to adjust to this news.
He was a little surprised when she finally looked across at him with clear eyes. He met her eyes steadily, listening quietly without objection this time as she accuses him, uncertainty wavering within him. Obviously it had upset her at the time, although he had not really understood why she had run off... but he had not imagined she would still hold a grudge years later.
[teal]"Everything that had just happened? That had little to do with it... I thought I might provide you with a distraction, cheer you up,"[/teal] he tried to explain, frowning as she pushed her plate away even though he had eaten none of his food so far. His eyes flashed up when she stood. [teal]"Where are you going?"[/teal] he asked quietly, also standing and pushing his food aside as he followed her, trying not to draw too much more attention to them than was already there due to the recent announcement. He doubted she would appreciate that. The moment they were out of the hall though, he darted forward to catch her wrist lightly. [teal]"Please, Dee... I never meant to hurt you. You were never a plaything to me,"[/teal] he tried to assure her, a pleading expression on his face.
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 4, 2010 15:08:49 GMT -5
D'rorah did not answer when he asked where she was going. All she could think of to say was "away". The room felt stifling and too small. She hated the way seeing Kang again brought back memories of that night and her own panic. She hated that she had panicked at all... that she hadn't been able to control her response to the memories that had arisen as Kang had pressed her against that wall in the alleyway.
As he caught her wrist, she pulled her hand away lightly. She so hated having her wrists touched, and she hated how everyone else felt so uncomfortably warm compared to her own perpetual icy chill. However, she turned to face him and examined the pleading look in his eyes as he spoke. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to feel normal again... and Kang had always been part of her normal life... he had been there, always by her side when they were young.
[blue]"All I wanted was to spend time with someone I knew and feel normal again,"[/blue] she said quietly, shaking her head. [blue]"Just to see someone who wouldn't look at me and pity me... or try to make me feel better. I just wanted to be normal again for a while,"[/blue] she repeated, sighing as she leaned her back against the wall. She could feel the wool of her thick winter robes scratch against the rough surface of the brick. She knew Kang didn't know the whole story of what had happened when her parents had died... she had refused to tell anyone. Of course he wouldn't have understood why she was still so upset.
She took a slow, deep breath and stood, squaring her shoulders. [blue]"In any case, I have so much to be done... I should make good use of the library while I am here,"[/blue] she says quietly, turning to head in that direction. Surely she could find something there to distract her from the chaos in her own head.
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 5, 2010 18:10:43 GMT -5
Kang released her wrist again without comment or complaint when she pulled her hand away, having an idea now of how she hated being touched overly. But before, it hadn't really seemed to apply to him. She hadn't seemed to have a problem with him holding her hand at the festival, it was only when he had gotten a little more touchy feely that she had started having issues. She certainly had dropped in temperature a lot since the last time he had felt her skin though... it seemed the signs of corruption were not just external, but affecting her internally as well.
He kept his distance as she leant back against the wall, wondering exactly what she hiding from him. He knew her well enough to know that there was some secret, but before he had thought it best not to mention it. The signs were still there though, subtle as they might be... [teal]"D'rorah, listen... I know what it's like to lose your parents. And not just fu qin – mu qin as well. She never speaks to me anymore, not since I abandoned my post and my family. And..."[/teal] he trails off for a moment with a slight shrug. [teal]"That was how I dealt with it. I... I didn't think you'd react so badly. I didn't think you'd react badly at all."[/teal]
Kang sighed again as she stood straight again, mentioning the library. Of course. The library. Where she would always escape when she wanted to bury herself in work and forget about the real world. He followed her without speaking for a few moments, making no efforts to muffle his footsteps. [teal]"What secret are you keeping from me?"[/teal] he asks quietly after a little while, watching the back of her carefully for any sort of reaction
fu qin – father mu qin - mother
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 5, 2010 20:17:02 GMT -5
D'rorah's heart ached for Kang as he mentioned that his mother never spoke to him anymore. She knew that he had gone through a tough time when he had left, that it would be difficult to be readily accepted by a family that had supported the Order for generations. He would have wanted to be close to people... and that had been misdirected toward bedding every willing female who had come his way at the time.
[blue]"I would have been another notch for you to carve into your bedpost,"[/blue] she replied stiffly. [blue]"Another one of your disposable women... how could you possibly think I would react well to that? I wanted to win the war... my father would have chosen a suitable match and I would have a family to raise in peace,"[/blue] she replied. There would be no children... there would be no peaceful family. If she were lucky, she would have Kerridon; but so few things seemed certain anymore that she was afraid to hope for it.
She attempted to ignore him as she heard him follow behind her. She hoped he would just take the hint and leave her in peace. She needed something to focus on... she had to learn more, to train... how could she ever hope to be a Master and survive the test if she couldn't even master her own feelings right now to simply depart in dignity?
However, he was determined to have his way. He was just as stubborn as she was--perhaps even moreso. As she heard his quiet question behind her, she stopped and turned to face him. [blue]"If I have not told you in all of these years, why would I tell you now?"[/blue] she asked quietly. [blue]"You have missed the opportunity to care, Kang... the proper time was all of those years ago when I needed my only friend. But you could not have it that way. What would you have done if I had yielded to your advances? One night to try to distract me and then you would have abandoned me like all the others... I only circumvented the one step this way, Kang. Though perhaps you feel I should owe you some sort of apology for refusing to allow you your drunken pleasure."[/blue] She swallowed, refusing to cry though it was difficult. [blue]"Stop following me, I have work to do."[/blue] she finished shortly before spinning on one heel and heading off toward the library at a quicker pace.
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 6, 2010 16:26:14 GMT -5
Kang began shaking his head immediately when she mentioned notches in his bedpost. It was true that he had been a little competitive when it came to women in the past, especially when he was living in Yinchuan... he and a friend had ended up challenging each other to more and more daring feats. But that would never have applied to D'rorah. She was different. He'd never have imagined making a notch on his bedpost for her, or even telling anyone else about it.
[teal]"You know it wouldn't have been like that... you've never been disposable, Dee,"[/teal] he tried to assure her. He wasn't quite sure what he would have done if she had gone along with his advances, or what their situation would be like now. Now, it seemed a bit strange... all trace of romantic feelings towards her had disappeared with Huan, and not reappeared now she was here and Huan was not. She was more like a younger sister than anything else, as well as his best friend, which only made the anger at his previous actions more aggrieving to him. [teal]"And you can still have a family, you don't need your dad to arrange a marriage for you,"[/teal] he added, slightly surprised that she still appeared to have no confidence in herself as far as that was concerned. He was sure Master Xiu had mentioned a boyfriend, although he could not recall the name now. Darren... Daryl. Dyllon. Dylan... that was it. Dylan Cooper. But once again he was lacking on the details concerning that, except for the knowledge that they were no longer together.
[teal]"I did care then, D'rorah. I still do care,"[/teal] he insisted, worrying that he was losing this... losing her. Not her as well... First his father's death, the realisation that he was not in fact an Elemental Master as had been expected. Then his mother and the rest of his family took his departure much more strongly than he had expected... then finally, Huan was forced to leave. He wasn't sure he could take losing any more people he cared about.
[teal]"I... I don't know what it would have been like. But I would not have abandoned you... I will never abandon you,"[/teal] he said earnestly. The butterflies flying in the pit of his stomach suddenly increased at her last words and her order to stop following as she turned around again. He hesitated only for a moment before stepping forward to follow her again, increasing his pace as she did. [teal]"Listen, D'rorah, please!"[/teal] he called, speeding up again to move until he was standing in front of her. [teal]"I'm sorry, I am so sorry... if I could take that whole night back I would, but I can't... but I also can't stand to lose you as well, not after so long... If there's any way I can make up for it, just tell me and I'll do it."[/teal]
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 6, 2010 18:25:00 GMT -5
When she didn't hear Kang's footsteps at first, she thought perhaps she'd finally gotten through to him. However, it was only a moment later that she heard him following, speeding up. As he came around to face her, she stopped short, her lips pursed. Her eyes dropped as he apologized.
[blue]"You say you would never abandon me and yet you were not there as a needed you. My parents had died, Kang... my entire life changed that night and nothing was ever the same again."[/blue] She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly before looking back up at him. [blue]"Of all people, you knew my mind better than anyone else... you could have known what I was feeling. I came with paler skin and dark eyes... and none of that inspired you to try to understand then what I was feeling."[/blue]
She swallowed again, staving off a sudden wave of nausea at all the memories in her head at that moment. She scoffed lightly. [blue]"You want to make up for it? Do you think these things can simply be "made up" for?"[/blue] she asked in a quietly demanding tone of voice. [blue]"My parents did not just die, Kang. I was there. My father locked me in a closet to keep me safe and I was forced to watch them be tortured to death,"[/blue] she said, her voice wavering. [blue]"And then after..."[/blue] she trailed off, shaking her head.
[blue]"You and Master Xiu were all I had left at that point... you and this war. You were the last haven I had outside of my library, and you ruined it all when I needed it most."[/blue] she accused, her voice trembling with rage and shame as she spoke in a sharp whisper. [blue]"I came back here half-corrupted and feeling absolutely dead inside... and all I wanted was my partner. I needed someone to help anchor me. And instead you dropped in an casually as if we were all at a Sunday picnic... wanting to go to the festival. I went. I was willing to take whatever human connection I could get in order to keep the horrors of that attack from finally turning me into a wisp of twisted darkness. I was too stubborn to let them win."[/blue] A tear slipped down her cheek and she tossed her head back, lifting her chin. [blue]"What do you think, Kang. What do you think you can do to "make it up" to me?"[/blue] she asked, watching him with infinite sadness.
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 6, 2010 19:04:25 GMT -5
[teal]"I tried to be there,"[/teal] Kang insisted, [teal]"as best as I could manage."[/teal] His guilt worsened as he saw her swallow thickly but his eyes stayed fixed on her, not willing to back away just yet. [teal]"I do understand what it's like to lose everything... or at least, I understand what it was like for me. Fu qin, the elemental powers that never came, my family when I left, my jobs and home in Yinchuan, Huan..."[/teal] he trailed off at that with a slight frown, not wanting to really think about Huan at this moment in time. It would only put him in worse mood. [teal]"So I tried to help. I came back for you when I wouldn't come back for anyone or anything else. I took you somewhere normal... just like we used to go when I could drag you away from the library. But... I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. It was just..."[/teal] He let out a sigh of frustration as he trails off again, shaking his head at himself.
Another wave of guilt rose through him as she revealed that she had been forced to watch their torture, and he wondered whether that had been the secret she had been keeping. Exactly what torture had they been put through, particularly Shoshanna? If what he was thinking was correct, then no wonder D'rorah had reacted so badly. He was finally forced to lower his eyes when she accused him, hearing both the rage and the shame. He breathed heavily as he stared down at the floor and her words accosted him, trying to work his way through it all until she finally fell silent.
He looked up finally, shamefaced when he saw the tear. [teal]"Please don't cry... not because of me, not again,"[/teal] he said quietly, wanting to wipe it away and hug her, but not wanting to scare her away more than he already had. [teal]"I... I tried. I wasn't thinking straight... I wasn't thinking straight for a long time when I was in Yinchuan. And... look, I know there are no excuses. I don't have a reason, besides I was young and stupid. I still am young and stupid, I always have been, you know that. And if I knew what I could do to make it up, make it better, then I'd have done it already. That's why I'm asking you... please. Is there any way you can forgive me?"[/teal] he asked, a lump in his throat but forcing his own tears to stay hidden for now, meeting her eyes and trembling a little from the emotions running through him.
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 6, 2010 22:10:28 GMT -5
D'rorah listened without interrupting as Kang spoke. She kept thinking to herself that he couldn't have known what she was going through... she hadn't told him. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone, though she had told Master Xiu with some reluctance. For the sake of the safety of those within the Order, any such extreme attempt to corrupt a Shadow Warrior was documented. But he, and perhaps whichever Scribe maintained her record, were really the only ones who knew what had happened other than the healers who had treated her in America. Muggle doctors, that was.
She'd been so hurt at the time that she'd reacted quite forcefully to his advance, especially when he had refused to be dissuaded. This was her chance to forgive him. She wondered if she would regret it later if she refused. Likely, she would. If something happened to either of them tomorrow, would she really want her last memory with Kang to be one where she was angry with him and refusing to forgive? Had her father been around and known her dilemma, he would have sagely quoted some Talmudic wisdom. He would have counseled her to forgive Kang... after all, he was like a brother to her.
She took an uncertain step toward him as he met her eyes, seeing the slight tremor as she watched him. A moment later, her arms were around him and she hugged him tightly, ignoring the difference in their body temperatures as she did so. Even through her thick robes, it felt as though he radiated heat... though she was certain it was actually she who was radiating an icy chill. She shivered at the different in temperature. [blue]"If you ever do anything like that again, I shall beat you senseless,"[/blue] she said quietly, her voice trembling slightly at the end.
She pulled back a moment later and took a deep breath. [blue]"I forgive you, Kang,"[/blue] she said quietly. [blue]"I suppose... I should not have taken my newfound skittishness out on you. After everything that had happened, I suppose I frightened more easily than usual... and having lost so much already, perhaps I felt determined to push everything else away at the same time so that I might have all of the hurting in my life done with at once."[/blue]
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 8, 2010 20:37:53 GMT -5
Kang watched her with bated breath as he fell silent, waiting for some sort of response that would put his mind at ease and assure him he wasn't about to lose her as well. He truly didn't know what he'd do if she rejected his request for forgiveness... probably persist still, but without much hope. She'd already tried to ignore him and walk away from him, but she hadn't said straight out that she couldn't forgive him. But once D'rorah set herself on a particular course, it was near impossible to draw her away from it.
He almost felt his heart clench as she took a step towards him, his eyes fixated on hers. Was this it? Was this goodbye all over again? But no... a moment later she was hugging him. He paused for a moment in shock before wrapping his arms around her tightly in return, burying his head in her shoulder as he breathes out heavily. He could feel the chill inherent in her skin even through the layers of fabric she had always taken to wearing and tightened his arms around her further, smoothing away his tremors as he took comfort in her presence. [teal]"I promise... I never will,"[/teal] he whispered back.
He reluctantly released her when she pulled back, but stayed close enough that he could still feel the difference in body temperature. The final accession of forgiveness made him sigh in relief and half smile at her. He interrupted quickly, though, as she continued. [teal]"It's not your fault. None of it was,"[/teal] he assured her quietly but firmly. [teal]"Don't blame yourself for my stupidity."[/teal]
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 9, 2010 22:27:05 GMT -5
D'rorah shook her head slightly. [blue]"Well, I suppose I may blame myself for my own stubborness,"[/blue] she replied. [blue]"In any case, let us move on... that is a whole block of time that I would rather not dwell on at all,"[/blue] she added with a shudder. [blue]"Absolutely horrid..."[/blue]
She took a deep breath and looked back toward the dining hall. She had no intention of going back in there... anyone who failed to miss her departure probably wouldn't miss her arrival if she returned. She'd had quite enough attention drawn to herself for one night. A moment later, she turned back to face Kang. [blue]"I suppose I do not have to go to the library right now,"[/blue] she said after a moment. [blue]"And you neither of us had eaten... perhaps you would like to have dinner with me? I can have something brought to my quarters for us."[/blue] She made an effort to smile a bit, though she felt stressed enough that the smile didn't look entirely genuine. [blue]"I suppose over the past few years we will have each managed to accumulate quite a bit to catch up on."[/blue]
She began heading toward her quarters, leading the way for her and Kang. As they walked, she glanced over at him. [blue]"So.... would I be correct in assuming... you did not see any of my memories from that night when we were together the night of the festival?"[/blue] she asked cautiously.
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 15, 2010 4:21:11 GMT -5
Kang waited quietly without saying a word as she looked back at the dining hall, reaching out to squeeze her hand slightly when she shuddered and not letting go after. He had no qualms about having left his food in there – he would not have eaten much of it anyway, and he wasn't that hungry – however, he would rather make sure that D'rorah was eaten properly. Ironic as it was, with his own dietary needs he was missing, he was at least eating enough to remain healthy. D'rorah in the past had been known to forget all about food when something else was distracting her.
He nodded with an encouraging smile at her suggestion of having dinner, sure that she would notice he wasn't eating much but simply glad that she had agreed to spend more time with him, agreed to catch up. They surely did have plenty to catch up on, it had been years since they had talked properly.
He followed her to her quarters, finally releasing her hand as they walked. His feet moved without any reminder of where he needed to go, having been there so many times before. He frowned slightly at her question, surprised at it. [teal]"Of course not. I knew enough that you wouldn't want me in your head after that, even if my other judgements were impaired,"[/teal] he replied. That he had been sure on from the start before he even sent the invitation for her to join him – D'rorah was an extremely private person. Seeking out those memories, whether out of curiosity or concern, would not be appreciated.
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 22, 2010 12:23:12 GMT -5
As Kang nodded his agreement about dinner, D'rorah began to head in the direction of her quarters. At his answer she swallowed and nodded, continuing to move on to her rooms without pause. [blue]"I was having some trouble controlling my thoughts at that time... I did not know whether I might have allowed something to slip through inadvertently,"[/blue] she replied quietly. She knew Kang well enough to know that he would not have looked on his own. He was well aware of how private she was, and how that would have been especially true after a horrible event like the one she had been through that day.
She opened the door to her quarters and led the way to the dining table in her small sitting room. A few minutes later, a young trainee knocked at the door with dinner for both of them. D'rorah could only assume that Master Xiu had sent him here with the tray. [blue]"Thank you very much,"[/blue] she said politely before dismissing the young man, who hurried off rather quickly before she even managed to close the door.
D'rorah set the tray on the table and began setting out food for her and Kang. [blue]"I suppose there will always be those here who are afraid of me,"[/blue] she remarked quietly. She smirked. [blue]"Considering the way I look lately, I cannot say I am surprised."[/blue]
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Post by Kang Xiu on Apr 23, 2010 20:06:52 GMT -5
[teal]"Ah..."[/teal] Kang nodded in understanding when she said she was having trouble controlling her thoughts. [teal]"Was that... my fault? Or because of the attack?"[/teal] he asked tentatively, hoping it was the latter just so there wasn't something else to blame him for. It was slightly selfish of him, he knew, bringing up the attack to reassure himself. But it would be on her mind already, he reasoned. And that used up all his doses of selfishness for the day... now was time to concentrate on D'rorah.
He followed her into her old quarters, glancing about and finding them almost exactly the same as the last time he had been in here, years ago. It didn't surprise him in the slightest. Unlike his own rooms, which had been customised to the fullest extent, D'rorah had never really taken to decorating her rooms.
Kang rolled his eyes at her words and the boy's hurried exit in annoyance. [teal]"They need to get over themselves and start appreciating what you've done for the cause. I know you're not going to suddenly corrupt and start attacking people, Master Xiu knows... and they still run away and keep their distance like you're carrying some sort of disease,"[/teal] he finishes with a slight scowl. It was a sore point with him, something he had been arguing about for years with his peers at the monastery.
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Post by D'rorah Philosophy on Apr 25, 2010 0:19:15 GMT -5
D'rorah shook her head slightly in response to the question. [blue]"It was the attack,"[/blue] she replied. [blue]"I mean... that night... well of course, it brought back memories of the night of the attack, which was why I reacted so severely."[/blue] She closed her eyes and shook her head again. [blue]"But certainly it was the attack itself which caused my unsteady state of mind."[/blue]
As they reached her quarters, D'rorah took a deep breath. She didn't consider the place undecorated herself... rather, it was simple, straightforward... the way she preferred. She never liked having a lot of frippery and nonsense about. Books were a standard wherever she was, and perhaps some useful furniture... perhaps paintings in her family homes. Here however, the room remained simple and unadorned.
At Kang's retort about the trainee scurrying off, D'rorah smiled. He had always been the one to try to protect her from others' attitudes around here. She'd forgotten how much she'd missed that before... or maybe she just hadn't let herself think about it. That was far more likely, actually. [blue]"Well, look at me, Kang,"[/blue] she replied when he had finished his short tirade. [blue]"I certainly look the part of someone who might corrupt at any moment and begin attacking people. If it were any other Shadow Warrior who had endured the same things, she would never be allowed within one hundred miles of the Monastery. It would be too great a risk. I look completely different,"[/blue] she replied reasonably. [blue]"My hair, my eyes, my skin... I know my watchers must be absolutely fascinated right now to think that I am still anything even close to human."[/blue] She frowned slightly and turned to face the window, looking up into the night sky. [blue]"Sometimes I wonder myself just how far away I have moved from humanity... always cold, scarred, having been mutilated and tortured... some days, I feel as though I may very well be on the path to becoming the monster they so fear,"[/blue] she finished quietly, her fingertips tracing lightly along the glass of the window from star to star.
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